5-year-old: Why is there a baseball bat under your bed?
Me: In case there’s a burglar.
5:
Me:
5: Why do burglars like to play baseball?
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I get my eyes from my Dad & the ability to find something wrong with almost anything from my Mom
Maps used to say cool stuff like “Here Be Dragons.” Now they just say bullshit like “Portugal.”
succession fans be like “the next episode is gonna be CRAZY” and the episode in question is “sign this piece of paper” “no”
This is a bargain. I’ve always paid at least $5.
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
3: My mask is gonna keep my nose safe so my boogers don’t fall out of my body
Is age 14 too old to leave your kid on a doorstep?
Me: [my mouth full] I didn’t know you guys did edible arrangements
Florist: we don’t
Nevada be like, omg I think I like him… so how many days should I wait before I call him? Is it 3 days? Cause I think it’s 3 days.
See if your child has learnt any swear words yet, by turning the wifi off while they’re playing minecraft.
11-year-old: I folded the laundry.
Me: You only folded one thing.
11: Is laundry plural?
There’s no limit to a child’s imagination? My 2 year old is yelling at me for taking too big of a bite from her pretend sandwich and she can’t make another one because we’re all out of pretend bread.
My son shut off location sharing on his phone and now I have to call my mom and apologize for causing her crippling anxiety every night from 1984 to 1987.
The 2.0 in Twitter 2.0 stands for how many employees are left at Twitter.
Me trying to walk in a dream
My son got hungry so I gave him a snack. His teacher is gonna say how he can’t eat and before I knew it, I yelled from the kitchen “Girl, he is at home honey!” & then there was silence…….
ME: do you have a USB wire thingy so I can charge while driving my Honda?
BEST BUY EMPLOYEE: a cord?
ME: no, it’s a Civic
Just said to my dog ‘excuse me, no, we don’t eat masking tape do we?’ I don’t know why I said ‘we’. Obviously I don’t eat masking tape. Just wanted to make her feel better I guess, like we’re in this decision together.
if i got pregnant i would simply hold it in
asking santa clause for nudes
When you stumble across a penny on the ground it can mean several different things:
*a deceased relative is trying to get your attention
*you’re headed in the right direction, keep going
*someone dropped a penny
This kitten is just what my house needed.
Another female that doesn’t listen to me.
A guy on the street just said “nice feet” to me can someone tell me seriously if that was a cat call?
When comedians die, why does everyone tell them to “make God laugh”? You wouldn’t order a dead carpenter to “make God some bookshelves.”
The lady on the news said that alcohol sales are down significantly in Alberta.
I’ve been sober for 57 days.So technically, I was on the news tonight.
Hungover? Hydrate. Depressed? Hydrate. Want to make a good first impression on others? Hydrate.
My friend is mad at me because I saw her using a huge tablet to make a call so I offered her a gas cylinder to light her cigarette..
“Eww” can be a term of endearment, right?
Jesus Christ. They stole your tweet. Not your first born son.
For most people when you lose your “khakis” you’ve lost your pants.
When you’re from Boston & lose your “khakis” you can’t start your car.