5 yo me: Throw my ducky in the bath
15 yo me: Throw on some tunes while im in the bath
30 yo me: Throw the toaster in while im in the bath
You Might Also Like
I can’t believe there’s this yearly Halloween panic about houses giving out good drugs when people won’t even spring for full-size Snickers
Ever wondered why newborn’s clothes have pockets? They’re for their teeny tiny notepad & pen, so they can write down everything you’re doing wrong as a parent.
Meet your new stalker! The good news is I’m middle aged and very lazy. You’ll hardly notice I’m here.
Piñatas give kids unrealistic expectations of how much candy spills out of a donkey when you split one open
If you haven’t seen one before, may I introduce the Secretary bird.
Me: I need a simple, easy hobby to relax and clear my mind
Also me: I will teach myself metalworking techniques from the Middle Ages
Offend your local English teacher by calling classic novels boring.
My kid is not a good sleeper so I’ll fight pretty much anyone about pretty much anything.
Nothing says warm summer days like choosing between drinking a bottle of ice-cold kombucha or ranch
My cat is walking a very fine line between being cute & being sold to the Korean restaurant down the street.
We really need to stop with the cute names for devastating storms. Winter Storm Voldemort would be taken much more seriously.
eye doctor: your results aren’t good
me: can I see them
eye doctor: probably not
After my kid listened to that song on repeat for 3 hours, I’m pretty sure the fox said I should take a xanax.
[kissing girl at library] you wanna go somewhere a bit louder?
Him: You hang up first.
Me: *click
your quarterback name is your grandfather’s first name and the last thing you did mine’s Dom Paintwall. ok you go
Inside you are two Cookie Monster. One want cookie. The other want more cookie.
It’s cute how I ordered 2 drinks and the bartender asked if I wanted to wait for the other person to be seated
Get a big metal box, label it “TIME CAPSULE” and take a big dump in it so people know what 2011 was like.
Time really flies when you when you’re down a man at a crime scene clean up.
Ooops wrong house😂😜
*pronounces fake like saké*
“What are these markings on the map?”
“They’re hill areas”
“Yeah they’re very funny, but what do they mean?”
George W Bush kept us safe just like how abstinence education kept Bristol Palin unpregnant.
That moment when you get introduced to a dog that has your kid’s name.
AT&T sent me a text apologizing for their service outage. I sent them a text thanking them for making it impossible for people to call me.
I like when a restaurant has cloth napkins, ’cause then I can unroll them with the calculated fervor of an assassin surveying his tools.
I just watched a squirrel bury a nut in my front yard. I’m going to dig it up and replace it with a Cadbury egg.
That’ll blow his Lil mind
My son is at that age where he’s curious about the human body.
I’ll have to hide it somewhere else now.