Yesterday CNN reported that “sitting will kill you, even if you exercise” and I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but living will kill you.
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“I just got engaged!”
— Starship Enterprise
I’m not like the other girls. I’m a 37 year old man.
When finishing a job interview, make sure you are a memorable candidate by shaking their hand firmly and using your grasp to pull them in tightly for an optimal tango position
who called it a dinosaur rap battle instead of a reptile diss function
First it’s not safe INSIDE, now it’s not safe OUTSIDE. Who benefit? Big door.
[Michael Cera knocked backwards by ejecting toast]
A lot of people don’t know this but Hotel sheets aren’t tucked in tight. It’s actually the bed bugs playing a lil game of tug of war with you
H: this may be difficult, but you’re pregnant.
*flips table*
*punches mirror*
THAT IS THE LAST TIME I BUY CLEAN URINE OFF CRAIG’S LIST!
As a parent I have to be prepared for anything. But I was not prepared on my drive to work this morning when a toy in my back seat turned itself on and exclaimed “Let’s read together!”
*gets in the bus*
*Brings out earphones*
*untangles*
*arrives*
Interviewer: How did you hear about the position?
Me: *sweating profusely* W-with my ears.
My mother was feeling cold so now I’m wearing a sweater.
*rings bell*
“Can I help you?”
Yes I’d like a dragon on my back an-
*starts pooping on a crucifix*
WTF? *checks sign on door*
“Taboo Artist”
I used to be God’s gift to women but now I’m God’s gift to the clickbait advertising industry.
Who named it “Viagra” …..
and not “Miracle Grow” ?
My little toaster: *catches on fire*
Me: Coward.
The Mayfly has the shortest lifespan of any animal, at a mere 24 hours. Fortunately the drinking age for Mayflies is 45 minutes, so it makes for a pretty awesome day.
My husband keeps nagging me to get my oil changed, which is ridiculous because I swear I just did that three thousand months ago.
me: can I get one for the lady at the end of the bar
balloon animal guy: ok
Normal Person (being inconvenienced): I deserve better than this
Me (being stabbed w/swords): I’m so sorry for getting blood on your swords
I hate when I gain 10 pounds for a role then realize I’m not even an actress.
“First off I want to wish my opponent the best of luck and oh god. OH GOD NO” – presidential candidate accidentally using their 3rd wish
Oh, when sharks grow an extra set of teeth it’s “cool” and “neat but when I do it it’s “what’s happening to that man’s face mommy?” and “why is he slinking back into the sewer mommy?”
“Paper or plastic?”
I don’t know. How can anyone really know?
“Uhh-”
I’m bagnostic
Interviewer: So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: I’m very attracted to you right now.
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
I very much doubt that actual military commandos go into battle without underwear on.
me: *cracks knuckles*
bully: let’s do this
me: i would but i’ve just broken my hand
For years I thought the ghost in my house was trying to scare me, turns out he was just booing my awful jokes
I’m what the New York Times once referred to as “an acquired taste…like bleach.”