Nobody:
Me to my alien: so basically you make a dinner the kids say they like and then they cry because they don’t like that food anymore
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I’m afraid of people who keep smiling all the time. I feel like they still have plenty of space left for more bodies in their basement.
When fighting with a clown, always go for the juggler.
First rule of camping: bring the kind of toilet paper that won’t attract animated bears.
Woke up and poured myself a cup of coffee and then took a nap…
So no, technically, Ms. Snooty HR, I didn’t sleep through my alarm again.
The most stressful part of my day is when my 5 year old shows me what he made in Arts & Crafts and I have to guess what it is.
Teach your kids about gambling by letting them lick floors
How Jesus was named:
Mary: Joseph, I’m having a baby.
Joseph: JESUS CHRIST!
I think it’s only called hoarding when you’re poor.
A bird laments over the corpse of its fallen comrade. “Tern down. For what?”
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: You’ve already written no
Doctor: I just looked at you and made a guess
Me: well let me tell you, it was a good guess
when i’m dying please rush me to the nearest haunted house. i don’t want to haunt a shitty apartment by myself.
😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
[me giving my friend who owes me $12 a tarot reading] oh wow. okay. the tower. in the tarot this is traditionally the symbol for you owing me $12
6-year-old: Is it cold outside?
Me: Yeah. You should put on a sweater.
6: I should stay home.
Well, the emergency alert did NOT turn me into a zombie yesterday, but now every time my phone rings, I cluck like a chicken.
No one is born racist. Racism is taught. By other races.
If I was stuck on Mars and had nothing to eat but potatoes, not sure I’d worry about getting home
It takes a lot of courage for a man to admit his wife is wrong…
omg this girl flew across the country to tell someone she was in love with them and she posted the journey on twitter and she got there and they rejected her. see that’s why i keep my mouth shut.
First day as a vampire hunter: This is easy lol
First night as a vampire hunter: oh no
Husband: *opens the bathroom door and walks out*
Me: *texts him from Target* Turn off the lights and wash your hands!
If you never milked a dead horse or got stoned from a turnip you don’t know how to mix metaphors. You buttered your bread, now lie in it.
People keep mistaking my “wow”s for compliments.
You ever leave cardboard on the frozen pizza, and it starts smoking, and your family bans you from using appliances because you burn shit up?
Me neither.
I’m supposed to wear a blouse and slacks to an event. This looks like a job for FuneralPants.
i gave my 4-year-old bubble wrap from a package and he thanked me for his christmas present. now i can’t stop thinking of all the money i could have saved
Just once I’d like to open a can of biscuits without having to beat it like it stole my last cookie
Karl’s toupee isn’t fooling any one
911: what is your emergency
ME: there’s a fly in my house
911: hang tight sir we’re sending a swat team now
Now she’s falling asleep, and I’m calling a crab.