@DurtMcHurtt: 50% of mariachi bands end in divorciachi.
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@mstluvstrinkets: The neighbor's wife is gonna be so happy when she sees how much yardwork he got done today. -I think, laying out in a bikini in my backyard
@philmann: PILOT: if you look out the window you'll see we're cruising at 35,000 feet [i look out the window] [THE SKY IS FULL OF FEET JESUS CHRIST]
@XplodingUnicorn: My kids challenged me to a cartwheel contest. Long story short, now my chiropractor has a new boat.
@CulturedRuffian: INSTRUCTIONS FOR FITTED SHEETS: 1) Know when to hold em. 2) Know when to fold em. 3) Know when to walk away. 4) Know when to run.