@DurtMcHurtt: 50% of mariachi bands end in divorciachi.
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@darinlovesbacon: If aliens ever attack, I hope they do it in rows of 8, going right and left directly above me. I'm very skilled at shooting aliens this way
@TheToddWilliams: [cat adoption agency] Counselor: ...*slowly pushes my application off the counter* Me: What the hell? Counselor: You're not ready
@AllieA: On my first day of college my dad's only advice was "don't date any of your teachers!" Yeah right dad, everyone knows teachers are poor.
@TheToddWilliams: [interview] BOSS: How many words can you type a minute? ME: Probably all of them BOSS: What do you mean? ME: Well, like for example, pickle