@DurtMcHurtt: 50% of mariachi bands end in divorciachi.
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@TheCatWhisprer: Accidentally switched the baby formula with coconut milk and now my newborn is complaining that her lullabies are "too mainstream."
@Reverend_Scott: BOSS: I set up a Suggestion Box. Please don't hesitate to- ME: [staring directly at boss while slowly stuffing cream cheese bagel into box]
@AristotlesNZ: Him: Ha! I got your ATM card. Me: So? You'll never guess my PIN. Him: Is it 6969? Me:.. Him:. Me:.. Him:. Me: Seriously dude, give it back.
@BatmanOffDuty: One day I bet bullets will be replaced by flowers, and guns will probably be replaced by something that fires flowers with deadly force.