@DurtMcHurtt: 50% of mariachi bands end in divorciachi.
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@SortaBad: me: [trying to sound cool] I'm in a punk band cute co-worker: that's cool. What the band's name? me: [looking over desk for ideas] Inbox(29)
@mommy_cusses: *Husband using Ouija board after I've died* Please answer me *arrow moves* "It's on the top shelf. Right there. RIGHT THERE! Use your eyes!"
@only_one_ee: Trainer: OK this week we are cutting carbs. Me: Wait, what - even macaroni & cheese? Trainer: Ya. Me: ...I think we should see other people.
@DontTouchMyWine: Him: I love redheads. I could totally see you being a great wife. Me: I could totally see you being a great chalk outline.