50% of mariachi bands end in divorciachi.
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I usually spend my Sundays texting apologies but I’ve had an alcohol free weekend now I have nothing to do.
Columbus: SO THIS IS INDIA
Natives: actually it’s no-
C: HI INDIANS
N: no see, we are nowhere near-
C: INDIA IS FUN LETS EAT YOUR FOOD
Me: I’m so tired. Can’t wait to go to sleep.
Body: Hold up there. Need to test nerve endings. Here’s a random shooting pain in your hand.
Me: No.
Brain: Here’s that weird jerking thing when you start to fall asleep!!
Me: Please stop.
Body: Itchy back!
I watched DJ Khaled on SNL and I still have absolutely no idea what it is he does exactly.
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
Received some very disappointing news today
You don’t have to make the same mistakes your parents made. An ambitious person makes new mistakes.
1990- I have three-way calling, we can all talk for hours
2015- don’t even leave me a voicemail unless you are dying or I won money
Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you are looking for a great new way to relax, give “sitting” a try! I recently tried sitting and it’s the ideal solution for when you’re tired of standing up but not quite tired enough to lie down 👍
My laughing hysterically at Tom & Jerry cartoons is always tempered by me knowing that my wife is next to me wondering where her life went wrong.
Old cordless phones, for when you really need to be on the phone, but also need to sword fight the cat.
someone please explain to my neighbour I wasn’t “fighting a box,” I was doing the recycling
The grass in my backyard is growing flowers which means I am either really good or really bad at taking care of my yard.
“you guys got full size candy bars in there?”
Hey Guinevere *knight flips up his visor* Hast thou considered my proposal? Because *unsheathes blade* I’m sword of a big deal.
My 5-year-old loves pickles so much that I have to cut her off like she’s some drunk dude at a bar, “you’ve had enough, buddy.”
suddenly remembered when I explained updog to my father and he didn’t even blink, just said “oh, we had something like that when I was a kid, a henway”
“what’s a henway?”
“about five pounds”
A zombie apocalypse would barely make the news.
Ordering surgeries off the secret menu at the doctor’s office.
just leave it at the foot of the bed
If you wear oversized sweats to the grocery store, and an attractive man smiles at you, is it a flirty smile or a pity smile?
Him: I lost my dog today at the company picnic!
Me: You should post something on FaceBook.
Him: My dog isn’t on FaceBook.
Me:
ART TEACHER: Why have you painted the water green again? It looks-
ME: I’m bringing *puts on sunglasses* Shrek sea back
AT: You’re expelled
In my defense, it was my first eulogy. I assumed it was supposed to rhyme.
Whenever I experience happiness, I signal this to other humans by showing the sharpest part of my skeleton.
Me: I just want to go on vacation where the food is cheap, there are no kids, and no other people
Husband: So send the kids to your parents for a week and stay home?
Me: Perfect
Don’t tell me there’s not a housing crisis; in the 1980’s we had so much housing, every pizza had its own hut.
My bumper sticker says “My kid is your honor student’s drug dealer.”
me: dogs have 4 legs
her:
me: so do tables
her: ok
me: so dogs are tables
her: no
me: *sets my cup on a dog* let me explain it for u again Jen