Brain cancer from cell phones is no longer considered a risk because who holds their phone up to their head anymore?
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I never understood why people complain about camping. What’s not to love about a luxury, air-conditioned cabin fully stocked with food, beer, and WiFi?
*turns off comments*
Alright, time for a Twitter spelling bee! First word: “their”, meaning “belongs to them.” Alright, that only leaves 14 of you left standing.
Went inside my dresser hoping to find Narnia but all I saw was that stupid guy I killed
What my girlfriend thought, first 4 dates:
1. Nice shirt.
2. Wow. A second nice shirt.
3. Okay, first shirt again.
4. He has two shirts.
DOCTOR: Your baby seems a bit sluggish
SNAIL WIFE: Oh no
HUSBAND: *thinks about their slug neighbour* I KNEW IT
me: looks like I don’t have to plant any mint, it grew back on its own
mint: yep, you don’t have to worry about me
second mint: me neither!
me: I don’t remember planting you
third mint: sup fellas how we doin
tried to lock my phone and ended up taking a screenshot to commemorate my failure
I hate it when I forget to bring my phone in the car and have to read a shampoo bottle while I drive.
I’m thinking of taking my Twitter down, and @all_tweet_calls too. I probably can’t, I’m probably addicted, and I know it’s a running joke that people will say they’re deactivating & then come back.
But the haters are really getting to me.
1/
I mean, if Marie Antoinette didn’t want her head cut off, maybe there should’ve been actual cake.
~ Why I was kicked off the debate team
OMG this view is amazing!!!
– me opening the lid on the pizza box
What do the movies Titanic and the Sixth Sense have in common? I see dead people. Get it? Icy dead people?
Happy Dad Joke weekend
“Right, whose round is it?”
Translation: It is not my round and I know whose round it is.
I don’t often find an occasion to work the word “repugnant” into casual conversation, but you’ve inspired me.
Day 65: My dog still insists on acting happy to see people despite my example and training
You reach a certain age and you don’t look pensive anymore, you look like you need an ambulance
The secret to effective prayer is asking for things that would have happened anyway.
I successfully predicted all my different cousin’s pregnancies before they announced it simply from observing them not drinking at family parties, which made me realize that my family are a bunch of goddamn drunks
Wrong hole! It’s too tight!
-me putting on my watch, you pervs
ME: long time no see! I heard you’re a doctor
FRIEND: I am. what do you do now?
ME: [glances down at open twitter app] I’m a writer
bert: i want a divorce
wife: are u…
bert: don’t
wife: *holding in laughter* are u sherbert?
welp
They said I’d have to kiss a lot of frogs before finding my prince. I never found him, but I did find out I’m REALLY into frogs.
Great news everyone! Brontosaurus is a planet again.
Me, looking at Met Gala outfits: But how do they go to the bathroom in that?
[talking to a frat bro]
Me: Dude you have such a strong axe scent.
we went from “will there be dinner” to “will there be doors” on this flight in record speed
“Living well is the best revenge.”
– someone who has never thrown a jar of spiders onto their enemy’s face.
If you’ve ever watched a butcher wrap pork chops, you’ve seen me wrapping Christmas presents.
I still say a wasp’s nest chucked through the window would be the ideal way to end any hostage situation. Nobody’s hanging around in there.