’50 shades of gray’ -worst set of crayola colored pencils.
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“Can’t beat fresh apple pie” she says, setting 1 down. I slam my fist into it. 3rd degree burns. “Wrong” I whisper 4 hrs later in the ER.
The worst thing about dating is bringing a nice guy home after dinner, only to find your husband home early from work.
Someone please recommend a self-help book that can teach me how to sleep through an alarm.
When a ladybug is orange. Must be laundry day.
[2 friends fighting at Denny’s]
Chicken: *gritting teeth* I’ll have the bacon
Pig: *staring down the chicken* And I’ll be having the EGGS!
Wife: “Was that lightning?!” Me: “No, they’re taking pictures for Google earth…”
ah shit, i accidentally left my gender reveal pressure cooker on a crowded train
Psychic: *rubbing temples* You want to know if your wife’s trying to murder you
Me: How’d you know?
P: *sees knife in my back* I’m good
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. Sweating and panting while trying to open this Amazon package, however…
inventor of the hot dog: [watching a hot dog eating contest] oh no. no that’s way too many
CUSTOMER SERVICE NEEDED IN THE LIQUOR DEPARTMENT
My husband: please stop yelling that from the couch
When my wife and I argue it’s usually over something petty like “what are we going to watch tonight?” or “who’s that guy you were just having sex with?”
For the record Tom is just a friend.
I bought one of those endless magician handkerchiefs and boy, is my proctologist gonna earn his copay tomorrow
YOU: Do you have any healthy snacks in this house?
ME: I donut
I hate to get all religious on you but can I just have a minute of your time to talk about my air fryer?
TSA agent: I’m sorry we don’t allow liquids over 3.4 ounces
me: ok I’ll finish it here [drenches myself with Axe deodorant]
[after sex]
Her: wow that was loud
Tin man: I’m a bit rusty
Beauty is in the eye of the beholder but sometimes you really need beer googles.
What do you mean a good old fashioned ribbing has nothing to do with this rack of baby backs?
If you cry every day in your relationship.. sit down, take a deep breath & ask yourself, “Am I dating a Human or an Onion?”
My Son: In my dream last night we were on the second floor of a restaurant, and the WEIRDEST THING HAPPENED.
Me: I love when restaurants have second floors.
My Son: It’s really fancy!
Me: It’s the best!
~ Team Lack of Focus, reporting for duty
I’m still waiting for the day my patents will say:
“It’s all fake son, we’re millionaires, this was just to teach you how to be humble.
stop abbreviating phrases where every word has one syllable (OMG, ILY). start abbreviating long sentences. that’s how u save time. ILYFYB (i’m leaving you for your brother) or SWAYTAIUMELFY (stacy what are you talking about i uprooted my entire life for you). much easier
umbrellas are great if you only wanna get wet sideways.
Recorded myself talking in my sleep and I rhyme a lot. Somehow I’ve developed sleep rapnea.
Shout out to all the animals that help Disney princesses get shit done.
I want to be rich enough to leave the house-sitter notes like: “If the cheetah looks bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch Friends.”
🙋♀️
“I have so much to do” she says, staring at a tree for five years
[*Wakes up on sofa] “Did I…DID I HAVE A FIGHT WITH BATMAN?”
Wife [from bedroom]: “YOU. PUNCHED. A. NUN.”