50 years ago, nerds were smart. Now a nerd is just someone who likes Star Wars and eats a lot of cereal.
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Goldfish 911: What’s ur emergency?
Goldfish: I forgot
Goldfish 911: Forgot what?
Goldfish: WHO IS THIS?
Goldfish 911: I DON’T KNOW
A woman at work told me I had great energy which is entirely plausible as I just ate a lithium battery.
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. Pretend to be disinterested. Wait several days to call the waterfalls back.
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“MOOSE!!!”
“Alright, who said the Canadian kid could play?!?!”
My neck, my back, my…
People on here admitted to not having an inner monologue and I thought that was wild because I have an entire executive board in my head with members that have voting powers
[1999]
“y2k” making us anxious
[2019]
“k” making us anxious
[ first day working at a pet store ]
customer: can i see that fish bowl?
me: sure let me get his shoes
CAPE CANAVERAL- Space Chimp boards a shuttle whose mission is to see if Pluto is still a thing. Too Much Monkey Business plays over the loudspeaker as he indicates that Earth should kiss his derriere.
So when you say R.I.P. To a dearly departed you are basically saying hey no zombie or walking dead stuff ??
This waitress thinks I just left a really good tip, but actually I’m just really bad at math.
I somehow ended up with a set of 6 fake candles that work off a remote and the delight of the absolute power to light up the room from the couch was most unexpected.
I added someone as a friend 2 years ago but they haven’t responded. They must be really busy.
Why hasn’t there been a blind dating show where they just try each others cooking first?
Sugar is cheap. I want an avocado daddy.
Let’s be honest Jurassic Park is about capitalistic hubris not science gone wrong. The science went gloriously right
When I die, I’m donating my body to pseudoscience. I hope they’ll use it as Bigfoot bait.
“They say some of history’s greatest minds could function on very little sleep” I explain to squirrel as I water the car at 4am
Wordle is trying to tell me something
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Apparently trying to edit the family cookbook to include ‘minced feelings’ at the end of every recipe’s ingredients list is “not okay” and I need to “seriously cut it out”.
Me: You ate all the cookies and your sister got none. What does that tell you?
4-year-old: I won.
I can’t wait to sleep in
My bladder: lmao
Today’s episode of Wheel of Fortune has been cancelled because Jesus took the wheel.
me: *knows girls like nerds* I read a lot
date: what kind of books?
me: *knows girls also like jocks* heavy ones
Sleep is the best thing in the world
(Provided you get the chance to wake up)
Donald Duck, Yogi Bear, and Squidward stare longingly, faces pressed against the glass, at the pants in the store window.
“The contract,” Squidward says shaking his head.
“The contract,” Yogi and Donald reply sadly in unison.
Me: Please. Just a little longer.
Dental Asst: Ma’am. It’s been 24 minutes since your x-ray. It’s not a real hug, and I need to use the apron on other patients now.
customer: can I get a chicken cesar salad?
me: yes, but he’ll have to eat it outside since we don’t allow pets
manager: can I talk to you
Me: would you trade me for a younger woman?
H: oh honey age doesn’t matter! I’d trade for someone who doesn’t talk through the game.
Your gene pool should be drained, the area bleached & the ground burned & salted. But other than that you seem like a great person.