@ByYourLogic: 50,000 retweets and our professor will let us get our medical degrees without taking our finals! I want to be a pediatric heart surgeon, let's goooooooo
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@CulturedRuffian: I just want the confidence of my grandpa in church taking a call from the pharmacy on speaker phone to confirm his Viagra prescription.
@TheCatWhisprer: I hate when I think there's an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle.
@thedad: God: what are they doing down there? Angel: they are making milk from almonds God: what?! I gave them, like, 8 animals to get milk from A: they dont like that milk God: [mockingly] tHey DonT LiKe THat miLk *flips a table*
@myonlymizztake: Did you guys know you get a full body massage while being embalmed? I can't wait.