50,000 retweets and our professor will let us get our medical degrees without taking our finals! I want to be a pediatric heart surgeon, let’s goooooooo
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I stab myself a little bit every day to slowly build up an immunity to being stabbed to death.
My wife punched me during sex last night. Probably a good idea that my mistress and I do it at her place next time.
We just got a fax. At work. We didn’t know we had a fax machine. The entire department just stared at it. I poked it with a stick.
Fact: if you drop a penny from a skyscraper it can kill someone on the street? It’s true, I’m still glad I went with a bowling ball though
What do we want?
An end to auto-correct errors!
When do we want it?
Cow!
Sow!
Bow!
Tow!
Duck this!
My dad is on Instagram now and my plan is to comment on all of his photos with horny reply guy shit like “So f****** beautiful” and “I’d let you do that to me anytime” until he deletes it.
My boss: *flicks ash off cigarette* So I says to her, I says “Relax, babe, I only objectify hot chicks. You’re safe” lol
HR: *scribbling furiously* Slow down, I don’t want to miss any- AARGH! HAND CRAMP!
Having a Twitter account is the equivalent of running away to join the circus.
“Easy Come, Easy Go” – My clinic name if I ever become a urologist.
“Umm, what are you doing? Can you not? Seriously, get off me!”
– The first horse ever ridden (probably)
Me, to my dog who is throwing up at the dog park: Bro, you are being so cringe in front of your friends.
Some of you should be ashamed of yourselves. You know who you are. I probably should be too, but this isn’t about me.
If you’re not sure if a woman is pregnant or not, go ahead and ask her how far along she is in order to clear things up
[Entering Building As A Guy Leaves]
Me: It’s muggy out there.
Guy: I’ll be fine.
*guy is beaten & robbed immediately.
M: Told you.
It’s NOT day drinking if you didn’t sleep the night before, mother.
I just got an email offering “free bible verses”. You know, because who can afford bible verses?
Life with teenagers is basically them sniffing out snacks from a mile away yet missing the odour lingering in their bedroom
Protip: if a woman you’re with is screaming “ELEPHANT! SENATOR! BANANA! EUCALYPTUS! MISSISSIPPI!” it’s because she probably forgot the safe word.
People said I was wasting my time playing Tetris, but here I am, loading the dishwasher like a beast.
Me: have i eaten refried beans right out of the can? yes. did i commit light treason in the 80s using my american express traveler’s checks? maybe. do i try to steal one thing every time i go to the grocery store? absolutely
judge: juror number four, you’re excused
Experts are suggesting you wait until 8th grade to buy your kid a cell phone but I didn’t even have kids back then.
“Let’s do 5 sets of squats & then try lifting for an hour. It looks like you got out of shape after your dad died” ~ Really personal trainer
*As people try to get me to go kayaking.
Me: Why can’t we just rent a baby yacht? That’s all I’m saying.
You ever released wind at the bank and accidentally deposited loose change?
*Walks 500 miles
*Walks 500 more
*Is the guy who falls down at your door
*Knocks
*Gets no answer
*Realizes he should have called first
The best part of being a girl is not having to open doors. If I approach a door and a guy isn’t there I just take a nap til one shows up.
I hate cooking, but I am excited to debut my cookbook “Toast On A Paper Towel, 365 Ways.”
Flex on your mother in-law by leaving nursing home pamphlets lying around the house.
Me – Actually goes for a walk
FitBit – You OK?
Start a slow-clap in a quiet, crowded room. The first person that joins you, marry them. They’re your soulmate.