[5:30AM]
BRAIN: I’ll just go to the bathroom, but keep my eyes closed so I don’t wake up.
BODY: I’ll just clip my head on the door frame.
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“I can’t fall asleep… I think it’s because I’m talking”
– my 5yo, at 3am, not wrong
[waking up on sunday morning]
me: ugh, I can’t believe what I did last night
*looks around to see piles of perfectly folded laundry*
Therapist: Would you use alcohol, food and sex as a means of feeling happy?
Me: Yes, thanks.
*raises hand* is it bc of the gravity
Congratulations to the sweater, another year of being the most disgustingly named piece of clothing.
Caught myself staring into the medicine cabinet like I do with the refrigerator.
Job interviewer: “Why do you want to join the Secret Service?”
Me: “It’s a secret.”
Job interviewer: “You got the job.”
I get worried when someone posts a kitten pic with a foreign language, I don’t know if they’re showing a cute kitty pet or their dinner.
This lady on the train has that raspy, cigarette, alcohol, at death’s door kinda voice. I’ma see if she’ll record my voice mail message.
Why is it someone is always refinancing their mortgage in the self checkout in front of me?
Sperm 1: I think I’ve got a shot at a Nobel Peace Prize.
Sperm 2: Not me, I’m looking for a cure for Cancer.
Sperm 3 through 18.2 Mil: We’ve heard good things about the Xbox.
*DOG Talks
Dog (wearing headset):
So when I realized I didn’t *have* to fetch the ball, the power dynamic between me and my human shifted dramatically.
the only way to save the bees is by beeing fiscally responsible. don’t spend the bees faster than you earn them. start a bee savings account. set yourself a bee budget
At what age do kids learn to close doors after they’ve walked through them? I think it might be 29.
Bought a snake just so I wouldn’t waste the name ‘Hisstopher’.
MURDER HORNET: 2020 is my year
BRAIN-EATING AMOEBA: hold my contaminated tap water
Walking up to guys with girls with them and saying “you never called! Our son is 5 now” then walk away….always brightens my day
Her: I think my fathers in jail.
Me: No, No, No… He’s in Alabama. It’s like jail, but with trees.
Mob Boss: Did you check the money for marks?
Me: Why would I, we’ve never had a president named Mark
Mob Boss: …
Me: *getting nervous* H-have we?
“Nice to meet you. What’s your real name? Want to see my dick?” – Every Kik convo, ever
Imagine falling in love with someone and then finding out they say “worthwild”
i have one speed and it’s mosey
[raises eyebrow]
[watches eyebrow graduate]
[cries at eyebrow’s wedding]
casual sex implies the existence of ranked competitive sex
Day 8 at home and my dog is looking at me like, “See? This is why I chew the furniture.”
[kicks in your door to apologize to you]
*Workers at the pinball factory trying to go home, but the automatic swinging doors keep knocking them back inside*
Me: That’s the murder house on the street.
Friend: That’s your house.
Me: Yea
Oscillating fans are for when you want to be cool every 4-8 seconds.