Cop ~ Do you know how fast you were going sir ?
Me ~ Uhhh …. Roughly about the same as you
Cop ~ Get out
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[highschool reunion]
CLASSMATE: I’m a top chef. You?
ME: I’m an avoca
C: a what
M: an avoca
C: what’s an avoca do
M: a top chef would know
cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.
As the day goes on, coworkers start appearing more flammable.
*starts the “Fight Fight Fight” chant in the background of the conference call as two people argue*
“Awwww, that is so sweet! I think you’re outstanding too!”
me, to the collection agency
My kids: I love this song! Turn it up!!
Also my kids: immediately start telling me a 17-minute story.
My kids are yelling so incoherently at one another it sounds like they’re naming IKEA furniture.
Titanic (1997): a boat gets murdered by an ice cube.
Squirrels: 1,538
My dogs: -17
Me: I can read on the toilet until my feet fall asleep
Job interviewer: …and a weakness?
I just released my own fragrance.
Now everyone in the car is pissed off.
DAD: when your grandpa died we planted that tree so we don’t forget him
ME: cool
[later]
TREE: You still remember grandpa chuck?
ME: yeah
TREE: cool just checkin
Twitter is over Capacity! Well, so’s my liver but you don’t see me slowing down because of it.
If she pulls back her hair in a ponytail without breaking eye contact you’re about to either have a good time or be murdered. Embrace the mystery, champ
A 12 year old posts a selfie, 37 RTs and 1013 likes.
I post a selfie, I lose 18 followers and my family disowns me.
[Spelling Bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘babe’
Bee: B-A-E
J: Sorry. There’s another ‘B’
Bee: WHAT! WHERE?
*goes crazy*
*stings Judge*
*dies*
imagine a frog. good. now imagine a frog wearing a party hat and playin a lil tambourine. even better
5yo [pulling a baby hat out of a drawer]: Why do we have this? Is this for when we have more babies?
Me: Ye-
Husband: NO MORE BABIES.
FOUND: 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED RATS LIVING IN LOCAL DUMPSTER.
PLEASE CONTACT IF YOUR 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED PET RATS ARE MISSING.
[ Mt. Everest camp ]
First climber: hey where’s your buddy?
Second climber: idk he must have gotten up on the wrong side of bed.
Listening to a global economy futurist. Pretty sure in 20 years Chinese parents will say “Clean your plate, people in the US are starving.”
My cat feels the need to give herself an entire bath after I touch her.
So yeah, I know a thing or two about creeping someone out.
picnics are a great way to think you’re hanging out with friends but actually you’re sitting on something wet
WhatsApp: Here use this status – “At the Gym”
Me: you wish!
“Who’s your favorite vampire?”
“The one on Sesame Street.”
“He doesn’t count.”
“I can assure you that he does.”
If you add ‘ish’ on the end of the time, you’re not really late.
Do you really think cats would have anything to do with us if they could open cans of cat food by themselves?
Last time I went to confession, the priest made me pause so he could open the urban dictionary on his phone.
always baffles me that anyone thought “did it hurt when you fell from heaven?” was a good pickup line. you mean like the devil?
Apparently this Walmart cashier only brushes her favorite teeth.