Guilt is a dish best served by Mom.
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I fantasize about you, but I also fantasize about the day I’ll show someone up in a dance battle, so it’s not saying much.
*Cowboy stares at the horizon*
“A storm’s comin”
[In the distance, Darude ‘Sandstorm’ can be heard faintly]
*Cowboy cracks a glowstick*
My girlfriend & I went to a Halloween party dressed as corn and we didn’t know anyone so we couldn’t join conversations without giving off a very threatening corn energy so we stood in the corner just being corn, eating snacks, and watching people which was probably also alarming
ME: I need a new phone, this one got wet
VERIZON: How’d you get it wet
ME: I talked dirty to it
HIM: ……
ME: Water asshole. How else?
Through a telescope, I see a woman on a planet light years away.
She waves.
I wave.
I awkwardly realize she is waving to the guy behind me.
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
When someone asks me for directions, I always use the metric system just to mess with them.
“Drive 4 liters that way…”
Difference between stoners and drunks are ..5 drunk will start a fight…5 stoners will start a band
7-11 CLERK: what are you doing
ME: *staring at the hot dogs on the metal rollers* watching the oscars
Tilda Swinton is the last person on Earth, having solely survived the apocalypse. A tumbleweed rolls by. She picks it up and eats it. ‘Delicious,’ she says, as she gets down on all fours then gallops into the night.
A pig’s orgasm lasts for 30 minutes. So would mine, probably, if I was having sex with something made out of bacon.
*peeking out the curtains, sighing heavily* Honeyyyy we’ve got sexy singles in our area again
*getting the broom*
Shoo! Shoo! Terry, you have to stop leaving hard seltzers on the porch, it attracts them,
Her: I’ve travelled the world and the 7 seas…
Me: That’s redundant. Seas are part of the world.
Her:
Her: Some of us want to abuse you.
Didn’t realize I was playing kitchen jenga until I went to get a Tupperware from the middle & an avalanche of Tupperwares came flying at me 🙁
i dont simply go through airport security. i have a goal. i want everyone in line to be blown away by my efficiency. i want to be celebrated as i push my belongings across the table. i want TSA to offer me a job (i’ll decline). i want people talking about me at their gate. glory.
Many experts believe that the first person to live to 200 years old has already been born and all I can say is it sure as shit better not be me
A chip tracker but it’s just me following the potato chip crumbs dropped by my toddler
My wife has been binge watching episodes of snapped, so I cancelled my life insurance policy, and haven’t slept or eaten in days.
Cop: you’re going to prison for forgery
Me *slides him a 37 dollar bill* what about now
Getting a lawn sign so people know what i think today.
*putting wrinkle cream on my crow’s feet*
HOLD STILL, MR. VANDERBEAK!
Welcome to your 40s, your favorite songs are on the radio again. They call it classic rock now, but still.
Just realized “do not operate heavy equipment” is not even meant as a concern for your safety. Just their liability if you drive a combine thru a playground
My fear of ascending to the top of shopping malls is escalating.
Age 8: Flinging myself off the swings at high speed onto a concrete floor, bouncing up instantly and laughing before bounding away like a gazelle.
Age 48: Raising my eyebrows in a slightly more robust way than usual and fracturing my skull.
Floating in a sensory deprivation tank is a pretty good indication it’s not working out outside the womb
I don’t download pirated music or movies anymore because I simply no longer know how.
I made a mix tape for a girl in the 90’s & she responded by giving me a blank cassette titled “What I Like About You”.