5yo: I want a snack.
M: You can have a yogurt smoothie.
5: I NEED CHOICES!
M: Ok. You can have a yogurt smoothie or you can have nothing.
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Why do paintings of Adam and Eve show them with belly buttons?
I was 14 on tumblr stressed af about net neutrality, I ain’t even know what the shit meant
I had a dream I went to Hell and Satan forced me to sing karaoke with him.
That’s right, the Devil made me duet.
I’m just a boy… Standing in front of a girl…
Her: “Move.”
The French really did the “this is fine” meme.
dentist: u need to floss
me: no
dentist: my other patient who wouldn’t floss lost all his teeth
me: really
dentist: in a fistfight
me: that sounds unrelated
dentist: it was my fist. do what i say
OMG, you guys, there’s a button on this stove that says “Stop Time”. Should I press it??
You’re technically never cheated on you were just in a surprise polyamorous relationship
ME: Sorry boss, I can’t make it in today. Because of Ebola.
BOSS: You have Ebola?
ME: No but someone does and I am FREAKING THE HELL OUT
In Texas you’re allowed to shoot someone just for being on your property. Man if I lived there I’d host sooo many parties
Life before kids: Owns 1 pair of scissors and knows exactly where they are.
Life after kids: Owns 16 pairs of scissors and has a better chance of seeing God than finding them.
The moral of Pinocchio is that lying is only bad if it’s really obvious.
Me: I love pastry
Person on Twitter: I see that you like pastry and that’s fine but also I wondered if you ever knew that pastry was responsible for a murder in 1977 when someone set a sausage roll on fire which caused a fatality so you’re basically condoning murder here’s a link
*wears an “Only God Can Judge Me” t-shirt to court*
Him: My stomach is aching, I knew I shouldn’t have swallowed that rope.
Me: Are you serious?
Him: I shit you knot.
8 is addicted to the iPad and he asked where it was at tonight and I said it’s in my car in the garage. He said ok and then I said hopefully the dead woman that lives in the garage won’t get him. Now we’re about to find out how much he wants it.
that kind of tired where you wanna tell people who sneeze repeatedly to quit celebrating their allergies so loud
My 12yo busted into our room with a Nerf gun. She made eye contact with her dad and really went for it. My husband was sitting with our 6yo. He immediately turned into a force field to protect her. I have so much respect for that man because I would’ve used our 6yo as a shield.
Them: You want the truth?
Me: No thanks, I’m trying to cut back.
Responding to my friends being honest: “Man, I appreciate you.”
Responding to my kids being honest: “Man, can’t you lie about lunch being good just for today??”
When I die, I want them to write that I died of supernatural causes, but offer no explanation.
ME: We’re all out of beef
CHEF: In that case, I need you to grill the chicken
ME [rolling sleeves up] you think that little shit knows something?
them: are you with someone or are you alone?
me: *winks* who’s asking?
them: ma’am, this is a vaccination clinic.
Apparently, saying “grande” in a non-Starbucks coffee shop is like shouting the wrong name during sex.
I need some sun. My legs are so white they just drove to Whole Foods in their Prius.
The Rock missed a huge opportunity not naming his daughter “Pebbles.”
Sock seller: sorry, no Christmas discounts
Centipede grandma: please I have 1 grandchildren
My toxic trait is that I answer “spam likely” calls, because maybe I can fix them.