5yo just abandoned his post as goalie so he could confirm we would be getting Chipotle for dinner. Because he is my child.
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When the handyman forgets you have cameras in the house 😍
we should be using all the time technology frees up to expand language, not shorten it. instead of ‘prolly’ try ‘probababably.’
me: hello 911
911: look, we’ve already asked your neighbor to return your leaf blower ok
me: if you love someone set them free
boss: you’re a corrections officer. you’re not supposed to fall in love with the prisoners
me (releasing my 10th prisoner of the day): my bad
Comments like this are why we can’t have nice things
BEN CARSON: On the news I saw a portal to another dimension open & robots came out, we need to stop that
MODERATOR:That was The Avengers sir
Dog: You stopped scratching my head? Is everything ok?!
Me: Yes, everything’s fine. I’ve been scratching your head for 15 minutes.
Dog: Problems at home?
Me:
Turns out my get rich painfully slow scheme isn’t working out either.
4 out of 5 dead husbands agree that last casserole tasted really strange.
[i light up my epi pen and take a long drag] peanut allergy? i haven’t heard that name in years
Millenials Are Ruining The Economy By No Longer Dying In Coal Mines At Age 8 In Exchange For Ham
[Commercial for commercials]
ever wish it took an hour to watch a 40-minute show?
I don’t like to brag about my cat-like reflexes.
That said, could someone please call for help?
I got startled and am stuck in a tree.
Attorney: identity theft is a serious crime
John Jacob Jingleheimerschmidt: i will explain once more
Moment of silence for the guy in Target who just said to his girlfriend, “that seems like a lot of money for face lotion.”
me: *barges into the room*
how dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
My dentist is a nice guy but he asks the dumbest questions. Um, yeah, I think I’ve heard of a toothbrush!
heavy rain in Los Angeles is a great way to find out that every roof in the city has apparently been purely decorative this entire time
Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets. Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets.
My relationship advice?
Play Chess instead.
It’s less complicated.
Met 3 other women in the bathroom at this restaurant who are also on first dates. We all collaborated and discussed our dates in here. We are best friend and will be in each other weddings
[Oregon Trail 1852]
Doctor: Any final words?
Man dying of dysentery: *coughing* I just hope that this gruesome experience isn’t made into a game for children to play.
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
*calls child protective services*
PROTECTIVE SERVICES: Why would you name me this, mom?
If you’re bored and looking for something to do this weekend, a reminder that you should not start running for president
Fire at the cannabis dispensary. Witnesses described it as super chill.
me: I would hate to be the Bear of Bad News
my wife: it’s bearer of bad news not Bear of Bad News
Bear of Bad News: lady you don’t know wtf you’re talking about
Sure I wish I had focused more on my finances, but back then who knew money would catch on.
Me ending every email:
THanks!
THanks{backspace}
THank{backspace}
THan{backspace}
THa{backspace}
TH{backspace}
Thanks!
[first date at restaurant]
Me: *ending call* My mom says no dessert.