5yo: [loudly whispers] MOMMY, SEE? WE’RE LETTING YOU AND DADDY SLEEP! AREN’T WE DOING GOOD?
Me: [in bed] Yeah. You’re doing GREAT.
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You can say hello to ducks, even if you do not have a good history with them. I am a bear.
Me: I’m so happy that gyms have reopened. I’ll do whatever it takes to get in back in shape
Trainer: That’s great! Let’s start with…
Me: Snacks?
All I’m saying is if you really want someone to dance with you, you probably shouldn’t tell them to shut up.
The U.S. Army developed a pizza that stays good for 3 years. Finally, those billions in military spending paid off. Your move, Al Qaeda.
You can still be mysterious after over sharing cause in that moment everyone is thinking “why would she say that”
One of the perks of being self employed is sex with the boss.
• Birds suddenly appear.
• Every time you are near.
• Long to be close to you.Conclusion: you are a statue
If a CW won’t take ownership of their mistake, the discussion about having them killed should at least be on the table, surely?
~ reason 153 why I’ve been asked to visit HR ‘for a chat’ this year.
Would you PLEASE stop being so damn THIRSTY??
My car:
Ghost cat: how’d you die?
Ghost dog: i bit a guy that ran over my best pal and they put me down
GC: i got hit by a car
GD: I know
GC: ilu
waitress: can i get you some coffee
[remembering a friend telling me when a girl invites you for coffee she wants to get to know you]
me: back away harlot
had the person who invented the bicycle seat never actually experienced sitting down before
When my son handed me my wallet I realized something important.
He’s a pickpocket.
I just met my daughter’s friend’s mom for the first time and she introduced herself by saying, “Hi, I’m Olivia’s mom, you’ve probably heard me yelling in the background of their Zoom calls.”
My 2yo calls pepperonis “Peppa Pigs.” He has no idea just how close to the truth he is.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
You didn’t, the brakes did.
Cop: But do you know why?
Cuz I pressed the pedal with my foot?
Cop: Get out.
[birdwatching]
Ah, let us behold the majesty of the Bald eagle. And let us acknowledge the social awkwardness of the Combover eagle.
sure I’ll interpret that dream for you, it’s about hydration, they’re all about hydration. why else would you be driving a bus full of chickens.
♫ Why do birds suddenly appear, every time you are near? Just like me, they long to be… ♫
Wait, hang on…my bad, those are vultures.
I have the patience of a nearly ripe avocado
I’m not gonna be able to come out tonight I already sat down
Me: [trying to put on pants]
Apple Watch: Would you like to log this workout?
Times I’ve served soup with my ladle: 0
Times I’ve been prevented from opening/closing a drawer by my ladle: 18,971
Setting up a funeral business from scratch is quite the undertaking
I needed a laugh this morning.
First date
Him: What do you do?
Me [pulls out a Victoria’s Secret catalog that I’ve clearly glued photos of my face into]
“I’m a model.”
I heard someone talk about all the sex they were having for like 20 minutes, and now I know how people feel when I talk about CrossFit.
if i saw a ufo i would simply identify it. not that big of a deal
I met the Backstreet Boys on Warzone 2 😂
Always let those you hate have the lion’s share.
Then tell the lion.