Alien: why should I not blow up this planet?
Human: we are an advanced species
A: how do you travel?
H: we light old dinosaurs on fire
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[last day as the circus’s human cannonball] you can’t fire me I quit
EMINEM: his palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy
WEB MD: cancer
[me as an uber driver]
yeah I have a degree but this way I can also make crying in my car profitable
a squirrel buries a nut in my backyard. I think im going to dig it up & replace it with a grilled cheese sandwich, blow its freaking mind!
[on phone]
Of course I trust you, babe. Always.
*searches Amazon for mini spycams with 1-day shipping*
The best things in life are free.
Stealing is awesome.
Today’s episode of Wheel of Fortune has been cancelled because Jesus took the wheel.
Marriage is one spouse cooking and the other deciding to block them by unloading the dishwasher and ending the argument by rage folding laundry
I knew my wife was having a bad day when she put her tampon behind her ear and couldn’t find her cigarette.
I know it’s called Words With Friends, but the moment you play “QI” on a triple word spot, you just became my mortal enemy.
What if Fox News is just an 18 year long infomercial for teeth whitener?
Tired of actually helping? Try prayer
TWITTER: something just isn’t clicking here
HORDE OF RACIST EGGS: [cacophony of immoral filth]
TWITTER: eliminate the looping video service
YOU KIDS GET OFF MY MOAT.
I got 99 problems and they’re all friend requests from people I didn’t like in high school.
Me: Why the fake mustache and hat?
Wife: Your text.
M: Huh?
W: It said you wanted to try some “Burt stuff”.
M: Um, Honey-
W: Call me Bandit.
Oh we’re halfway there
Oh oh running from a bear
I pushed you down
Accidentally I swear
Oh oh eaten by a bear
You were eaten by a bear
Me: *from downstairs* what’s it called when a word describes the sound something makes?
Her: it’s onomatopoeia.
Me: on what mat up there?
HER: you could use some exercise
ME: i do pirates on the weekends
HER: pilates?
ME [hiding eye patch]: uh, yeah sure
When you wear a cardigan for the very first time it’s just called a card
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions.
Finally, I can just walk around every day covered in feathers.
i can sleep well tonight knowing my “local 4 news” is “fighting for me” & “getting answers” especially that new weather guy
“Last night I was so drunk I replied to my own text”
If you only see two signs about a raccoon room today, make it these two.
the approval process for adding someone to a group chat should be harder than getting a passport.
me to the government: no broo I swear I don’t make that much money i promise you bro 😭 😬
me to my landlord: I make so much money big dog you know I’m good for it just let me live here bro you don’t have to worry about me fr I promise 😤🤝
My wife and I decided not to have kids.
We plan on telling them tonight…
Be the person that gives out the full size candy bars, I said, and now I have 55 full size candy bars left in my house.
can’t believe Skyrim is still $60. should come free with all computers like solitaire or pinball at this point