5yo: Why is he crying?
Me: That’s a teardrop tattoo.
5: Oh. Did he shank someone in prison?
M: What?
5: Remind him I want extra guacamole.
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They’ll find Bigfoot before they find a Smoothie store that’s been open for more than 2 years.
[Not realizing Black Mirror episode is just stuck buffering]
“Ah yes, this is excellent social commentary”
can you read it!!??
maan!
A computer game where you go back in time with a gun to kill Adam; it’s a first person shooter.
FRIEND: it’s all about picking your battles
[later]
WIFE: i can’t believe you ju-
ME: *holds up hand* i choose gettysburg
The CDC has increased the 3 second rule to 2 minutes.
I just saw an article titled “Can We build a Real Jurassic Park?”
DID YOU FORGET WHAT HAPPENED IN THE MOVIE?!
Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.
Friend: wanna do a Boston marathon with me?
Me: is that on Netflix?
Dr: If you want to lose weight, you need to do things that’ll make you sweat.
Me: *applies for a loan*
It’s a serious Lego project when the 1st thing my 5yo does is take off his shirt and gets me a beer from the fridge.
Me: *nudges wife* Hey, are you sleeping?
Wife: *pumps shotgun*
A shock absorber sounds like something you need for when you’re watching the news.
If we ever got together just know that I would totally shower and brush my teeth every day, even on holidays and weekends
DATING TIP: Pick up the check. Pick up the table. Pick up the chairs and the waitress and the bartender. Everyone loves upper body strength.
Well excuse me all to hell. I thought you’d be flattered with a mosaic of pictures of you at the gym. No, you don’t need to call the police.
The Hello Kitty exorcism kit includes my gullibility for being duped into buying her cute products again.
My recipe for an upside-down cake is super easy:
1. Make a cake.
2. While carrying it, trip over the dog.
by age 35 you should have saved enough money to hire someone from the dark web to murder you
doctor: how often do you exercise
me: does sex count
doctor: yes
me: twice a day
doctor: with other living ppl?
me: why would you specify living
doctor: just answer
me: no I don’t exercise
I couldn’t work at Popeyes… I’ll be walking around my whole shift with drumsticks and thighs poking out of my pockets…
Me: I played this as a kid. It’s from back when video games made sense
6-year-old: Why did you jump on a turtle?
Me: Because I’m a plumber
Don’t believe what others say about you, they know nothing. For example, in 4th grade my teacher said I was going to grow up and be successful and she was wrong on both accounts
My online boyfriend loves me so much that once I put my money in his PayPal account he is coming to visit me.
I just found out that all the different colors in Fruit Loops are the same flavor, and now I don’t know what’s real anymore
Interviewer: Have any personal mantras?
Me: Absolutely! [thinks to self…banana to mouth not mouth to banana] Make friends with change✨
It’s weird how we get born in the same city as our favorite sports teams
The best part of running at 5am is the irrational, adult fear of zombies to keep you going.
GENIE: u get 3 wishes!
ME: for my first wish, I want a never-ending bowl of guac
GENIE: guac, huh? Yeah, that’s gonna cost you an extra wish
i will not be silenced