5yo: Why is he crying?
Me: That’s a teardrop tattoo.
5: Oh. Did he shank someone in prison?
M: What?
5: Remind him I want extra guacamole.
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I wear my tattoos on the inside. Ever since having discount back surgery from a guy named “Spider.”
(When someone insults something you like.)
“Sources?? In triplicate! My honor demands nothing less!”
(When someone insults something you hate.)
“This RandomUser654788433 fellow certainly makes good points.”
Lance isn’t a common name now, but in Medieval times guys were named Lance a lot.
Every time I think I’ve got my diet under control, they come out with some new and tastier way to make me fat.
Thank you to all the people who tweet landscape pictures so we don’t forget what it looks like outside
I’m at that age where I can no longer refer to other people as “elderly.”
All these silly debates on social media are all a ploy to distract you from the fact that they are moving public urinals closer together everyday.
I walked into a gas station & a woman handed me a free slice of pizza
Either Iowa is the nicest state in America or I’ve just been poisoned
I love the smell of relapse in the morning
When you gaze into the abyss sometimes the abyss pats you gently on the hand and says she’s just not that into you.
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
HR: Know why we called you down?
Me: Hmm…a raise?
HR: You know we monitor internet usage right?
Me: I’d like to report a hacking!
[bar]
Me: I’m drunk
Carpenter: i’m hammered
Dry Wall Guy: i’m plastered
Garbage Man: i’m trashed
Beekeeper: i’m buzzed
Accountant: i’m totaled
Quarterback: i’m blitzed
Scuba Diver: i’m tanked
English Professor: i’m lit
Plumber: i’m shitfaced
Hulk: i’m smashed
Youth: i’m wasted
When my friend and I were children, gym class would have us run around the neighborhood. This run would pass my house. We sneak through the back alley into my house and watch TV for 20 minutes and then my dad will drive us back to school. The perfect crime
God must really be loving Stupid people.. He created so many!!
The new iPhone’s front camera detects when you’re looking at another phone and gives you a small electric shock.
Valentine’s Day in a cardiac surgeon’s house
Wife opening cooler: this had better be chocolates
Skeleton: I’m you from the future
Me: how long?
Skeleton: 2 months
Me: are you here to warn me?
Skeleton: no you’re already screwed, just drink more milk for me
I’ve only been eating 6 spiders instead of 8 every year so I’ll have plenty for retirement.
Staples is attempting a hostile takeover
of its rival Office Depot.Office Depot has retaliated by
snapping rubber bands at Staples.
“I have to eat every 7 minutes or I get cranky.”
“Ma’am, that’s not a valid reason to be excused from jury duty.”
me watching a commercial of golf balls getting flushed down a toilet: “wow. There is still so much about this sport I don’t know”
A ballerina walks into a barre. Embarrassed, she splits.
My parents and in-laws are visiting for the weekend. Whose around for a consensual kidnapping of me until Monday?
Spielberg’s movie “Catch Me If You Can” but it’s just me making up jobs I have so I don’t need to volunteer at school.
Ideas for getting more exercise:
– Move the biscuits farther away
– Buy a heavier kettle
airline: will you be checking your bags, sir
me: again? I did that three times at home
Me, an intellectual: A spam and banana sandwich would be called a spamananawich.
I get all snooty about Great British Bake Off contestants doing things wrong like two years ago I wasn’t googling “what is shoe pastry”