*cheats at bowling by rolling into the pins*
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It’s going to be really hot over the next couple of days so please remember to leave out a wee bowl of cider & blackcurrant incase a goth comes into your garden.
My in-laws visited today.
FIL: when I was a kid I stole a candy bar from a store.
My 8yo: then why are you here shouldn’t you be in jail?
I love my son.
I just now realized the guy at the urinal that complemented my watch might not have actually just been looking at my watch.
I am not a pro at mind games, so I will be direct and ask, “are you or are you not going to offer me snacks?”
Keep ignoring my texts and I swear to God I’ll leave a voicemail.
My 2yo said she is a grown up. I told her she isn’t, that she is a toddler. She replied, “No, I’m a grown up. I’m going to touch knives.”
Going to find a way to reprogram my Alexa so everytime my kids ask it a question it responds with “I don’t know go ask your mother”
If you put dry teabags in shoes they absorb the odor. So your shoes smell good but the tea tastes so bad it’s almost not worth it
My plans for world domination will be complete as soon as I can work out how to hide a coffee machine in my bra
Do you know who REALLY gets irony?
Skydiving schools.
Cuz you gotta drop out to graduate!
*releases mic to float down on tiny parachute*
technically you can breathe anything just not very long for some things
Me: I picked out a pricy rock I think you’ll like
Her: You mean you’re finally going to propose to me?
M: I was talking about your headstone
THERAPIST: Well, if you know what’s good for you…
ME: [Holds up hand] “Let me stop you right there”
Under a bridge, harassing goats. That’s how I troll.
You call it gossiping, I call it a love of knowledge
Someone knocked at my door asking if I would like to donate to the children’s home so I just chucked him a few kids
flight attendant: as u can see the captain has turned on the no murdering sign
[guy next to me is still murdering someone]
me: um excuse me
Playdates were invented to force parents into cleaning their home.
The 90s were wild. Scientists actually “cloned a sheep” as if we could tell sheep apart in the first place.
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because of my obsession with emo rock bands
her: no it’s because of the weird chemistry fanfics that you keep writing
me: i knew it! you hate my chemical romance
Start yelling “DON’T FORGET!” when saying goodbye to people so that they panic about what they’re supposed to be remembering
Me: So how are you going to finance your second year of college?
Daughter: *drops a “Swear Jar” onto the counter*
“OK men, spread out.”
“Oat?”
“What?”
“Spread oats?”
“Spread out.”
“One oat?”
“Dammit.”
Why US/Canada joint military exercises don’t work.
Hot air balloons kick ass. Are they safe? Not really. Can you stop if you don’t like it? Think again. BUT can you steer? Listen don’t bring that negative energy into this wicker basket ok I’m gonna light this flamethrower.
TICKET AGENT: and will this be round trip?
FLAT EARTHER: here we go again
If I put on a latex glove and snap it, that’s just me flirting
Hey Amish person reading this: Busted.
The coolest feature of being over age 40 is now when I get a pimple it only takes 14 months to go away.
Studies suggests, 9 out of 10 men prefer a girl
with a big butt. The 10th man prefers the other 9
men.
establish dominance at a funeral by crying first