6: Dad, why do you have so many nicknames for me?
*I break down, no longer able to cover up that I can’t remember my son’s name
You Might Also Like
shakespeare: to sleep, perchance to dream
me: *lies wide awake in bed wondering what “perchance” means*
Doctor: your husband is being treated by a team of ten strainers
Woman: you mean he’s
Doctor: yes, in ten sieve care
Playing Tubular Bells to end the baptism wasn’t quite the closing my aunt was looking for but in my defense it did clear out the church.
her: I named my baby Susan
me: boring
her: she’s a puppy
me: omg I love it
COWORKER: Wanna come to my NYE party?!
ME: Aww… I would, but I already have plans.
MORGAN FREEMAN: He did not have plans.
“Your highness, an egg has fallen off a wall”
“Send all my men”
“But excellency I…”
“And all of my horses too”
“I don’t…”
“ALL OF THEM!”
Jehovah’s witnesses don’t celebrate Halloween, I’m guessing it’s because they don’t appreciate random people coming up to their doors.
No trip to Home Depot is complete without at least two more trips to Home Depot for what you didn’t know you needed to buy the first time.
Me: Now watch this amazing parallel parking job…
Wife: *Eyes roll
Me: You can’t see it with your eyes up there
Finished stitching this today 😇
When they wheel me out in a body bag I hope someone sticks a pair of googly eyes on the outside.
heres law school: “sustained” is basically “settle down beavis.” “overruled” also means “settle down beavis,” but to the other guy instead
*still laughing at a real estate ad I saw yesterday for a beautiful farmhouse “off the beating path”*
Parenthood is basically just pretending to be angry when you aren’t and pretending not to be angry when you are.
Holy shit. I just remembered I was in Twilight.
I didn’t come here to be called names
-Brain: Too expensive, you’ll never wear it. Don’t buy this dress.
-Heart: But what are you going to wear if someone takes you to a ball in their castle in France?
[trying to make a new friend]
…so that’s the worst thing that’s ever happened to me, now you go
A guy was honking at a car ahead of him to speed up at 6AM so I followed him bc his job must be amazing if he’s that excited to get to work.
Is it physically possible to be sad in rollerskates? Cause I think my cat’s just being dramatic.
Me: Should I measure this in miles or kilometers?
Scientist: It doesn’t matter right now just pick something.
Me: What do you mean just pick something??
Scientist: Desperate times call for desperate measures.
The club can’t even handle me right now. Like, the club’s just had a very emotionally draining day and the club’s been in a weird place.
“The floor is larva.”
– Indiana Jones, entering the Temple of Doom
When my kids aren’t listening to me I just yell ignore me! And then I feel better that they’re finally listening.
Me: I can’t make it in today.
Boss: How sick are you?
M: I cut my sandwiches in rectangles instead of triangles.
B: Jesus, you ARE sick.
“We only had 5 channels and no remote” is the new “I walked uphill both ways, barefoot to school when I was a kid.”
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on.
Cop: Do you think you can identify the deceased?
Me *nodding* I bet it’s the dude over there with no head
Important question of the day:
Are centaurs technically insects?
They’ve got a sort of segmented body and have six limbs so…
Don’t regret past mistakes. All of your decisions, good and bad, led you to where you are today.
Disregard this if you are in prison.