6, holding a pic of me pregnant with him, “Why are you SO FAT?”
Me, “You’re inside my tummy.”
6, “That’s DISGUSTING.”
Me, “It gets worse..”
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How is a guy supposed to take a nap in his car during lunch hour if people keep knocking on the window saying things like “are you ok?” and “you’re rolling down a hill.”
Godzilla was the first house flipper.
Oh.
You have a boyfriendBut…
can he do this…( flexes flab )
My tinder profile shows me crying holding a mediocre fish.
When a child loses a tooth, some parents put a dollar under their pillow. Other parents leave a book called, “Your Disintegrating Body.”
I keep banana skins within reach at work because you never know when you’re going to need to make a murder look like an accident.
Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.
I just released my own fragrance.
Now everyone in the car is pissed off.
Twitter is like a dorm, someone is always up at every hour, someone is crying and someone is drunk.
everyone hates on Gollum but he had the right idea: become a hermit, collect jewels, swim naked in lakes and pools, occasionally hiss at people who try to make you go places
[church]
1-year-old: *throws a tantrum*
Me: This is the worst place for a meltdown.
Wife: Nuclear power plants?
Me: Second worst place.
A man 20 years my junior just stepped right in front of me without saying excuse me. So I tripped him and he fell down the stairs. I asked him if he was okay because I have manners.
If the voices in my head had a British accent, I would do what they say more often.
My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.
I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.
wife: we’re hanging out with hannah and her husband tonight
me: ugh why? that dude sucks, all he talks about is horses
wife: i’m sure he’ll have something else to talk about this time
[later]
hannah’s husband: hey
me: that’s it i’m out
It’s cute that kids think they’re safer with the light on, when actually it makes you more vulnerable and easier to spot.
ROBIN: Let me drive the Batmobile.
BATMAN: Never. I’d rather let Superman-
[wall breaks down]
SUPERMAN: OMG REALLY
BATMAN: No.
#FF @funTweeters. Killing me wonly!
Sample lady: Would you like to try a chocolate chip cookie?
Me: You have to tell me if you’re a cop.
[at a restaurant]
me: i think i misread your tinder bio
squirtle: squirtle.
I’m watching two crows fight over a toothbrush. Crows don’t even have teeth, it’s just capitalism making them want things they don’t need
No Grandma, a friend with benefits is not someone who lends you a cup of sugar.
4: Mom can I have a snack?
Me: Yeah hang on
4: Did you mean yes?
Me: Oh shit I birthed my mother
Cop: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: Sorry, no, I fell asleep. Did I win?
she wears short skirts, I’m googling the symptoms of gout. she’s cheer captain, and I have gout
I just told my wife it took her longer to pick a Netflix movie than it took me to pick out her engagement ring and that was a bad analogy.
I was supposed to be abducted in ‘03 but my chain wallet got caught on a fire hydrant and they beamed up the squirrel I was feeding instead. God speed tiny ambassador of earth.
So guy walks up to me and puts his fist out for a bump and somehow I reach out, grab it and shake slightly.
If you need me I’ll be behind hiding my couch forever..
Joined Match.com… And all I got was a lit cigarette
GOD: (creates earth) hell yea lizard planet!
WINDOWS™: restart planet for important updates
GOD: um ok
*dinos die, man appears*
GOD: wtf