My living will specifies that if I’m ever on life support nobody pulls the plug until I reach my goal weight
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Me: [whacks huge hairy spider with rolled up newspaper] …Got it!
David Attenborough to Producer: Can we get a different camera operator please
Just heard my son say to his friend “you’re probably dumber than your own controller” – what kind of child is my Xbox raising?!
I’m learning that a large percentage of my students believe they could talk their way out of being sent to a concentration camp.
I hope Bitcoin is like Snapchat in that people stop talking about it before I have to learn what it is.
[At work]
What can I do to pass the time?
I have one son that loves to refurbish cars. He doesn’t get it from me, I don’t even vacuum.
Laughed so hard tears ran down my leg.
Ok, all you people who adopt dogs and put “who rescued who?” stickers on your car… you drive me crazy!
Clearly it’s “who rescued whom?”
The 9-year-old in me thinks life is all about fun. But then I think, how long is it gonna take to digest this kid? I’m a huge python, btw.
[at the gym]
Body builder: how much can you curl?
Me: *smugly* I can do a 9 inch ribbon
*Hires life coach*
“Ok, the first thing we have to do is get you off this couch and get you moving!”
*Fires life coach*
Sometimes, even I can’t tell if I’m being sarcastic or if I’m really just a bitch.
*pronounces fake like saké*
Me: I just need you to tell me when my clothes are dry.
Dryer: Please, no talking until intermission.
Me: huh why is Cinnamon Toast Crunch Shrimp trending
30 seconds later: I’ve made a terrible mistake
I feel like such a hypocrite when I tell my cat she can’t have any more treats until she loses some weight
Apparently “my brain hurts” isn’t a legit reason to leave work early
my car is dead & i saw a dead spider under the hood so like, do i need a new spider? i dont know a lot about how cars work
if u ever feel insecure just remember that there is at least one couple where your name is a sensitive topic. kinda sexy of you to be that important
CAPTCHA: Prove you aren’t a robot
Me, a sex machine: *sweating*
wife left me because I wouldn’t stop referring to bread as “acoustic toast”
“Who let the dogs out” they ask. “No idea” I say. They let me go. As I walk away from the police station my limp slowly disappears.
“did you ever get married?”
[wife looks around her old gym at high school reunion and sees me debating if I can touch the rim] no
My neighbor broke up w her bf and piled all his stuff on the curb and I just added a boxspring to it bc I’ve been meaning to get rid of it
Whales accidentally eat 8 people in their sleep every year
Me: I just want to be the center of someone’s universe
*has kids*
Also me: Not like that
Adoption Agency: it takes a village to raise a child
Hamlet: feels discriminatory but ok
Sure sex is great but have you ever turned off the news?
I woke up at 3 am this morning to the sound of my burglar alarm
“Time to go out and rob some people!” I said
jurisprudence- an accused is innocent until proven guilty.
media- an accused is guilty until proven innocent.
colony aunty’s principle- guilty after proven innocent too.