8: I’m gonna marry someone who likes a different cereal than I do, so he won’t eat all my favorite cereal.
Me: Sounds pretty legit.
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According to Facebook, 78% of girls I went to high school with now own their own photography business.
Sent him a pic and he replied “BOOM!!” Trying to figure out if that means he liked it or he threw himself on a grenade.
One fist-bump from a cool black dude is worth 5 years of my parents loving me.
*Growling bear comes out of the woods*
Me: Aww, it’s a giant teddy.
Him: Are you crazy? Run!
Me: *arms wide open* Bring it in.
Bear:*embraces me & cries* This is all I ever wanted.
Chef: And then you just cover it with gravy and cheese
Me: Don’t stop, you’re poutine me in the mood
WebMD would be more accurate if every search result diagnosed you as a hypochondriac.
Me: it is he about whom the prophecy foretold, and for whom we have waited lo these many centuries
Cable guy:
You like bad boys? Not to brag but I’m bad at everything.
-me flirting
Each second of this is more amazing than the last
Batman: I am named this because I fear bats.
Incoming Phone Call Man: Buddy I get it.
Hannibal Lecter didn’t have to be a serial killer, he was scary enough as a foodie.
adam and eve had first world problems
Mosquito’s are like dirty used needles, that can fly.
watching hockey for the first time and man do all these guys have different ideas about what should be happening to that black dot.
When I die, please don’t blame the year. Blame the alligator responsible.
CEO: It’s got wheels
Inventor: It’s the best we could do
CEO: You had 30 yrs
I:
CEO: Put “may not hover” on the box and get out of my sight
Thanks, Google, probably could have managed those last two letters myself
You make me want to be a better home and garden.
Me: ‘Goodnight.’
Brain: ‘Where shall we begin?’
saying “james?” to my mom when i open her car door so people think it’s an uber
What is wrong with me?!? Asking for a friend..
just saw a guy pull down his sunglasses and look at a firetruck go by like a sexy lady in an 80s movie
[JOB INTERVIEW]
{Don’t let them know you’re a tectonic plate}
“What would you say is your biggest fault?”
San Andreas?
Receptionist: “The doctor will see you now.”
Invisible Man: “Finally, a cure!”
Never take legal advice from anyone named Sparkles.
Police: We’d like u to come with us to answer some questions about ur husband’s disappearance.
Mrs. Potato Head eating french fries: why?
How to lose 12 lbs in 7 agonizing seconds:
Step 1: Make sure the wood chipper is all gassed up.
Him: [sneezes]
Germs: ATTACK!
Her: bless you
Germs: RETREAT RETREAT