[At home school reunion]
“And Sasha bought a new cat, her name is Mittens.”
“Mom I know, you told me yesterday.”
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I dunno…maybe the Mars Rover can find all the spoons and bowls in my kids bedroom.
8: Dad you’re not spending time with me just cuz you’re getting material for Twitter, right?
Twitter Dad: No I love you, Pete.
Mike:
Well that was fun with a capital no it wasn’t
When I saw her eating a whole chicken like it was corn on the cob, I knew she was the one for me.
My work mom text me and asked what I was doing so uI told her I’m doing my nightly Indeed 30 job applications. I told her I’m applying for everything, qualified or not, shit, I just applied to NASA and I don’t even like to fly or astronaut ice cream
After watching “101 Dalmations” I hoped my dog’s barking was to help others, but I think she is just spreading gossip.
I made the cats a very scary jack o’lantern with a vacuum cleaner on it.
me: WTF all the shelves are empty
sales guy: yeah this is Ikea
The guy who invented “Take Your Child To Work Day” was probably too late to drop his kid off at school on the way to work.
2019: The floor is lava.
2020: The year is lava.
INTERVIEWER: What did you like most about your last job?
ME: *leans in way too close* Leaving it.
once i got commissioned to review a film, and when i went to file my story I said “Here’s my review! Not a great movie tbh” and then forgot to paste in the Google Doc link, so the editor replied being like “oh… we’d still like an article?”
*overheard during my 6yo’s Zoom class*
Teacher: Today is the last day of September. What does that make tomorrow?
Boy: January 1?
Girl: Valentine’s Day?
Seems to me these kids are just as ready for 2020 to end as anyone else.
Forgot my phone and had to write my tweets on paper and pass ’em around at the meeting.
Didn’t get any stars.
Got RT’d to HR.
I picked the wrong year to stop drinking.
– a Memoir
This girl just said, “You know that feeling you get when you really really like someone?” and I was all like, “Nope.” and walked away.
I’ve never been introduced before entering a room unless you count “Shh, here she comes!”
Overheard, my kids-
7: did you know when you’re older you’ll have boobies like mummy?
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3: don’t be silly, when I’m older I’ll be a panda
My wife finally got a “Brazilian”.
He seems nice.
ProTip: Make sure heated seats are off before putting your purse on them…lipstick melts.
Husband: How’s your diet going?
Me: *sucking the jelly out of a doughnut with a straw and putting it back in the box so no one knows I did it*
Great!
Monday?
No. Next question.
Accidentally ate the sticker on my apple. This wouldn’t have happened if it had been a Snickers.
[Jumps into taxi]
“FOLLOW…”
[taxi driver turns around excitedly]
“…ME ON TWITTER”
[Jumps out & moonwalks into Olive garden]
If I don’t see someone on social media for a while I automatically assume the worst… that they’re happy.
Am I fun? No. Interesting? No. Dateable? Yes. I’d place me late 20th century.
I hate when people text me “what are you doing?” at 1:00 pm on a weekday.
Well I don’t have your Art History degree, so probably “working”.
I still remember taking down that bullying 12 year old on the playground like it was yesterday. My Dad was so proud. Ah, to be 30 again!
I began writing full time 20 years ago. I’ve sold lots – my tv, my car, my jewellery…
Bless you