Well, lookie there. Bring a cheesecake to a gunfight and suddenly EVERYBODY wishes you’d brought a knife.
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Colleague: want some popcorn? Keeps you young and beautiful like me
Me: Really? Looks to me you should’ve been eating a hell of a lot more
My husband and I just met with our financial advisor. Our new retirement plan is to disband, marry much older, wealthier spouses and kind of just wait it out.
Me: Kids, never take candy from strangers!
Also me on Halloween: I want more Twix, go ask that clown with the red balloon for some.
Student:Why do we need to know this?
Me: To look smart for your friends.
Student:What if I don’t want to look smart?
Me: You’re doing great.
True, making your own beer can be costly and time consuming, but the finished product is just awful.
I just smile when someone says I eat like a horse, because it’s hard to argue through a mouthful of sugar cubes.
I don’t know how to be single. Today I saw a woman eating alone so I decided to sit next to her and introduce myself. She immediately started screaming at me like a crazy person and told me to get out of her car.
Her: I need advice.
Me: (eating cookie dough for breakfast) You came to the right person.
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back, it’s because no one else wanted them.
Rome wasn’t built in a day but it couldn’t have taken as long as the too slow car wash.
okay, whoever wished for avocado to become “the poor man’s butter” again, put down the monkey paw
Accidently used the word “henceforth” in my third grader’s book report and the teacher is suspicious.
Just want to point out the NRA’s plan to stop school shootings is literally the plot of Kindergarten Cop.
What are you listening to?
The Who
Who?
Yes
You’re listening to Yes?
No The Who
Oh I like them
No not Them. The band is The Who.
The Band?
honey, i think the milk’s gone bad
“i only bought it yesterday”
yeah well, look at this..
*milk is running a meth lab in the fridge*
I’m fat, but not accidentally give birth in the Walmart bathroom because I didn’t know I was pregnant, fat.
I went to the Army Surplus store and they didn’t have a single extra soldier for sale. Come on. False advertising much? Old Navy can take a flying leap too.
Guten Morgen. What do you call an angry German mob?
Sauer crowd.
There are many to choose from but my favorite quote from the Godfather is when he says “it’s-a me, The Godfather”
None of the parenting books prepare you for the moment your kid uses air quotes correctly for the first time.
Okay kids don’t ever talk to strangers or take candy from strangers or go to stranger’s houses except on the day we worship the devil.
Me: The face is a tortilla. The eyes are banana slices and the mouth is made of peanut butter. His name is Bertram. He’s my best friend.
[12 minutes later]
Me: I have eaten my best friend.
Spider-cat: No One Home
{response at rap battle}
Nice try but my Mom isn’t even flexible so it’s impossible that really took place.
I asked my son what kind of cake he wanted for his birthday…
“A burger cake with ketchup frosting!!”
Meatloaf. He wants meatloaf…
lawyer: juror number 4 why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?
me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency
Damn gurl, are you the snacks in my grandma’s cabinet? Because you taste like you expired 4 years ago
ME AT A PARTY: oh we’ve met? i’m sorry i’m bad with faces
ME WATCHING A MOVIE: ok that guy in the background is character actor james rebhorn who was in meet the parents, independence day, the talented mr ri
Gotye is just somebody that we used to know.
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.