lower my casket into the ground and play “The Lion Sleeps Tonight” If you see someone not singing the Wimba Way part, kick them out.
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[spelling bee]
“Your word is stupid”
ME: Well give me a different one then
“No, that’s your word…stupid”
ME: Maybe you’re the stupid one
my 8yo’s friend came over wearing a Guns-n-Roses t-shirt
me: cool shirt, one of my favorite bands when I was younger
him: yeah it’s my grandma’s favorite band
One minute you’re young and carefree and the next you’re stuck on a park fence you thought you could still jump over 😬🤭
With me, it’s not PRIDE that comes before a fall. It’s half a bottle of vodka and a coffee table that I forgot existed.
Dating is easy. You just *goes into fetal position*
Cardio Made Easy
Only in America would they name a state after a bucket of fried chicken.
Been dating this guy for 4 months and today he asked me why I don’t have a boyfriend. ☹️☹️
My Therapist thinks i need a women in my life. But all the women i know thinks i need a therapist.
KID911: wats ur emergency
SON: sister is staring at me
KID911: did you tell her to stop
SON: yes! she isnt even blinking
KID911: omg ok take a deep breath
KID911: now scream for mom
If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry Vegans…
…don’t worry about it. They’re too weak to hurt you.
There’s an old man sittin’ next to me
Makin’ love to his napkin and knife
And he’s talkin’ with Davy who’s covered in gravy
And probably will be for lifeSo anyway that’s why you failed your health inspection. You can read the rest in the report.
“Who’s your favorite vampire?”
“The one on Sesame Street.”
“He doesn’t count.”
“I can assure you that he does.”
Caught the neighbor kid teasing my dog, so his mom told me to yell at him any time I like.
I had a bad day, I’m gonna go see if he’s home.
I keep a tiny vial of gluten in my pocket in case I ever need to smash it on the ground to make a getaway from a large group of hipsters
(painted my 7yr old’s nails)
7: I know you did the best you could, it’s just that, the colors we’re supposed to have an ombré effect.
Me: Oh, an ombré effect. Well, if you’re dissatisfied with the service please feel free to leave a negative review for my non existent nail salon.
“And on the 7th day, He rested.”
Yeah, because He didn’t have any kids yet
I will not rest until I’ve finished this nap!
My bra as colander, catching stray food since age 15.
*Sneezes*
Dating: Bless you
Engaged: You’re adorable
Married: We need to talk
Hackers in movies think they’re so cool they can get any password in five mins flat. Well so can I. Just that it’s for my own accounts.
Roommate: hey blake I just bought this whiskey wanna explain why it’s half empty?
Me: cause you’re a pessimist!
When I get upset, you bet the gloves come off. Problem is, underneath are softer, more delicate gloves.
Old people always be like “wow you’ve put on some weight since I last saw you” in front of everybody.
Your make-up application says “I failed Clown College”.
10: Can we go to the adoption store and pick up a new baby?
Me: Sweet girl, Mama has 4 kids. If we go right now it’s probably to drop off.
Saturday
Pregnant women are full of ‘compressed heir’
Sticker placement is key.
I’m a really friendly person unless you try and make small talk with me