6 was jealous about other kids getting notes in their lunches, so I put one in his:
“Sorry, I ate your pudding. Love, Dad.”
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[brainstorming movie scripts]
writer: a romantic comedy? guy sees girl in red dress and falls in-
stephen king: what if it’s an evil dress
When people’s driving tweets end mid sentence, did the paramedics find their phone and hit send?
Ghosting my landlord by hiding in the walls and haunting the property when he tries to have someone else move in
donald trump: ILL HAVE THE SUPER SALAD!
waiter: lol no I said soup OR s-
[assistant sliding $100] just bring him a huge bowl of lettuce
I have never in my life tried to pronounce an L so hard than when asking my dad for the “caulk”
In response to McDonald’s pay with hugs campaign, Nationwide will allow you to pay for insurance with DEATH.
[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!
DAUGHTER: [burying pet rabbit in the garden] Goodbye Mr Hoppers. I’ll miss you!
ME: [to wife] Doesn’t it have to be dead first?
WAITER: Would you like the usual, Mr Smith?
MR SMITH: *all smugly* Do birds fly?
*Penguin at the next table slams down his menu*
[outside a blazing house]
Firefighter: …
Me: …
Firefighter: …
Me: … There was a spider.
Them: Can you help me?
Me: I don’t work here.
Them: Oh, sorry. *leaves*
My boss: You need to stop doing that.
I watched someone eat an unpeeled cucumber like an apple today. No, no, it’s even weirder than you imagine.
I put my pants on just like the rest of you, when the popo tells me to.
had a talk with my manager where i told him it’s hard to do my job when i’m left off of emails/meetings and he said “well when you’re left out just let me know” and then i stared at him until he went “but if you were left out, you wouldn’t know….”
Me: I’m copying & pasting some text & clicking “keep formatting.” no need to change the case
Word: sweet, I’ll change the font
Me: no no keep the font
Word: ok I’ll just change the size
Me: please keep the size the same
Word: u want a different colour u cheeky lil shit lol
Protip: Eclipse glasses are not cheap but if you wait until tomorrow you can get a really good deal on them.
I may be short but I sure as heck can dunk. Donut coffee dunks are my speciality.
My teen complained that he didn’t like the dinner I made so I told him to be sure to leave his Yelp review & also, I don’t care.
911: what’s your emergency?
me: what’s YOUR emergency?
911: *starts crying* omg no one’s ever asked me that before!
me: jk I’ve been stabbed
How many glasses of wine equals two servings of fruit?
Asking for a friend.
*visiting Egypt*
“What the hell, they walk like everybody else!”
how is beauty and the beast a “tale as old as time”? a lady hooks up with a big dog, and all the candles in the house start talking? I hope that hasn’t happened before
Apiarist: Don’t! Stop!
Bee: *leaving*
I work as a receptionist in a vets. When somebody’s pet is being put to sleep we light a candle to let everyone know to be quiet and respectful. There was no dying pet today. I just had a hangover.
[god inventing cows]
angels: why?
god: cheese
angels: *nodding* cheese
Whenever someone says, “Would you like your receipt?” I always say yes, because I want the guy at the drive-thru to think I’m writing off my Taco Bell expenses.
so proud of america. only 8 years after electing first black pres, we’re considering electing our first orange one
FIRED? But I just started! How could I have known we don’t do casual Fridays here? Fine. Direct your own goddamn funeral. *flip-flops away*
What do we want?
A CURE FOR PARANOIA
When do we want it?
WHO WANTS TO KNOW
I’m a go getter
And right now I’m a go getter nap