If an animal kills me in the wild, please take its picture with my body
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Every tech nerd or security guy on night shift at a computer in 90s movies is eating pizza & wiping sauce from their mouth with their hand.
I like a baked potato because the name is the instructions.
“the names bond, james bond”
[5 min later]
STARBUCKS BARISTA: i gota frappe for borbjorbple
People don’t know this but there’s no section in the criminal code that prohibits you from training pigeons to pick pocket tourists.
My 2yo was concerned about a bruise on his knee so I said “don’t worry it will go away soon” and he earnestly asked “where will it go? in the bin?”
[the last supper]
Waiter: ok, your bill comes to 30 pieces of silver
Judas: I got this
Son: dad there’s a spider in my room!
Me: he’s more afraid of you than you are of him
Son: can you get rid of him
Me: no because I’m like ten times more afraid of him than he is of you
I just brushed my hair while wearing a fuzzy sweater and now I can make a streetlight come on by touching it.
Just saw my 4yo eat a banana like a corn on the cob… so yes the quarantine has changed us.
Setting my alarm for 3am.
Going to text this to a coworker and go back to bed until 6.
Then we’ll be even.
*first time fishing*
Me: Ok now what
Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth
Me: orkay nrow wrhat
My Boss: Are you with me so far?
Me *nodding* : Yes.
*Narrator: He had not, in fact, been with his Boss for some time.
what do you mean I never take you anywhere we just took a 365 day trip around the sun
Amazon: your package will be delivered on Wednesday
me: WHEN IS THAT
Me: ‘Have you considered hydrotherapy?’
19: ‘What?’
Me: ‘Just take a shower, please.’
I couldn’t afford an engagement ring so I just poured a can of spaghettios on her hand
*keeps opening fridge even though I know there’s nothing good in there*
Me: why do I keep doing this, lol
*opens twitter*
I accidentally vacuumed up a live spider, so I did the right thing and returned the vacuum cleaner to Costco.
Let’s take a ouija board to the graveyard and make some prank calls
Is there something about me that suggests I want to hear about your smoothie cleanse, because I can change.
Children; because how else could you collect teeth without seeming psychotic.
Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.
Attention!! To Whomever has my voodoo doll… I could really use a back rub.
[God Creating Raccoons]
God: make a panda but a trash panda, then give it a mask so that people would know it will kill them for their food
Next time I’m at a restaurant, I’m going to do what my cat does and yell until someone covers the empty parts of my plate with more food.
LIFE HACK: dont jump over a dog becuase he wil get comfused and thimk ur a frisbee and try to bite u
When the girl working the counter says “would you like fries with that?” say..”are you calling me fat??” then burst into tears. Free meal.
What’s that little “-” in front of the temperature mean?
Waking up with a hangover in your 20s
vs
Waking up with a hangover in your 40s