6: Why are we at the vet?
Me: So our pig can’t have babies
6: How do you know she doesn’t want babies?
Me:*looks at my kids* Just a hunch
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Dad: *puts arm around my shoulder* Just remember son, if it doesn’t go well it’s always ok to just dust yourself off and try again until you get it right
*his eyes flicker to my younger brother for just a split second too long*
it is my belief that rhinos and hippos are husband and wife
making up a lame excuse to bail on plans
– transparent
– not cool dude
– you always do this“i can’t go… because of the curse”
– woah
– sounds serious
– not gonna ask too many questions
– i’ll just cancel next week’s plans too, hope u get this thing sorted out
Last words: “Oh, you’re not the same lion I pulled a thorn from your paw, are you?
[getting out of prison after 10 years]
GUARD: *handing me a paper bag* here are ur things
ME: did none of u monsters feed my tamagotchi
Congrats to my tween for graduating at the top of his class from eye roll university.
ME: what is an IV for
ROMAN: yes
Table for six please?
“Is your party coming soon or?”
[Takes 4 turtles and a rat out from coat] I’m going to need booster seats
Me: It’s cold out there today!
12: How cold?
Me: ICE COLD!
Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, alright, alright12: *sighs*
Mommy, I wrote some notes down in my diarrhea.
Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.
I have a list of things I need reached That I’m handing the 1st tall person that comes to visit me.
The worst walk of shame is the one back onto the crowded elevator after getting out on the wrong floor.
A polite way to signal to your guests that it’s time to leave is to start the dishwasher, turn off all the lights, and go brush your teeth.
Dating isn’t easy when you’re married.
why is putting on shoes so embarrassing i always end up sat on someone’s hallway floor fighting for my life as they’re trying to say goodbye to me
Summertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with water.
Wintertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with piping hot tomato soup.
In the event of a global sauce packet shortage, my junk drawer will reign supreme.
Leaving the beach yesterday I said to myself ‘don’t leave your phone on the roof of the car, woman’.
Long story short, someone found my phone on the side of the road and just returned it to me
Bedroom notes:
Whipped cream – Yes
Sriracha – No
girlfriend: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [whispering] babe that’s so rude, just order your own
I have the financial security of a much, much younger man
Creamy peanut butter is the best because it’s the only thing holding this car together.
I wonder if the username “That Cab” is free, cause a lot of people would want to follow “That Cab”
Has anyone else noticed that since the invention of the smart phone, bathroom stall graffiti was moved to Twitter?
i’m gonna need grocery stores to start contributing to black friday sales this year. i don’t need another big screen bro. what i need is to be able to afford cheese again.
If dogs ever learn to talk I want everyone to keep in mind that mine is a big fat liar.
Roughly 60% of my childhood was spent trying to do the crane kick after watching Karate Kid.
dinosaur: [walks out of divorce court to find a parking ticket on his car] ugh this day can’t get any wor
Somebody needs to get my shit together.