6-year-old: *finds a picture she drew* Why was this in the trash?
Me:
6:
Me: It was too good. I didn’t want to make your sisters jealous.
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Me: …and the real loud guy who keeps talking with his mouth full?
Wife: That’s Murray…He’s my cousin once removed.
Me: Any chance we can remove him again?
[showing date how to eat a lobster] pull the meat from the claw. good. now get your ketchup ready
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
We should probably abolish the death penalty since we don’t even get to throw rotten vegetables at people anymore
[Bunch of 6 year olds knock on my door]
“TRICK OR TREAT!”
You kids are in for a real treat…
*slips each of them a copy of my demo tape*
I choose toothpaste NOT recommended by dentists… those sneaky tooth-fiddlers have a lot to gain from promoting one that doesn’t work.
One time I brought my kids to work with me and now my boss is way more tolerant of my drinking.
My daughter is too old for Disney channel movies so I obviously need another kid.
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
ME: I wish my enemies’ hair had nerve endings
GENIE: dude
living in a small apartment and not being able to find something is so embarrassing. like there’s three square feet in here what do you mean you cant find it
If you can’t take me at my most inappropriate, you don’t deserve me the other 3 days of the year.
Kids threaten us with things like, “I’ll just go to my room forever,” and then we let them think we don’t like it
Behind every successful woman is a Man who let her down.
her: i smoked a lot of pot. what did u try in college
me: *crying* MY BEST, OK?
I still don’t understand why my boss didn’t like my idea of playing musical chairs at our next Monday meeting. He asked us for new ideas.
*flicks cigarette after a long drag*
Here’s the thi—
*coughs for like ten minutes straight bc I’ve never smoked before*
My dog when she hears popcorn popping
I walk around my yard a lot and usually I’m singing softly to myself as I do, which looks like I’m talking to myself because I’m not even listening to music, which is probably why people cross the street before they pass by my house
This made me chuckle cuz mood
Invention idea:
Written versions of audio books.
These people on Hoarders knew a camera crew was coming. You’d think they’d tidy up a bit.
I tried oscillating once. Not a fan.
I went to a wildlife rehabilitation center today and none of the animals were still doing drugs. A massive success!
*brings a gun to a knife fight*
*brings a gun to a pillow fight*
*brings a gun to a food fight*
who keeps inviting this guy
If I have to bless 3 or more of your sneezes, it’s an exorcism at that point. Sorry but you’re on your own.
peter parker: i’m broke i need a job
mary jane: well you invented web shooters, spider-tracers, web wings…
peter: yes! that’s it
mary jane: ya just patent your inventio-
peter: i’lll take pictures of myself and sell them to a newspaper
I put my baby picture as my what’s app picture and my mum called me to ask who that was ¿
If you make fun of my messy car, don’t come crying to me when you need 350 hot empty water bottles.
Cop: you failed to obey the stop sign
Me: I got lost in the music
C: what song?
M: I’d rather not say
C: what song?!?
M: I saw the sign