6-year-old: Is it cold outside?
Me: Yeah. You should put on a sweater.
6: I should stay home.
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“Women & Children first” i yell heroically from the Dentist’s waiting room
Therapist: *holding up a stack of cards* look at these ink blots and tell me the first thing that pops into your head.
Squid: danger, predator, escape, fear of death, danger, my mother-in-law, danger.
Therapist: still on the first card.
The Avengers greatest superpower is the ability to find a time they could all meet
I could never be in the mob.
The only gun I like is a glue gun. Is there a crafting mafia?
Maybe I’ll start one.
*blows glitter in your eye*
Never go against the family.
You’re not a real teacher until a student shares with you that your fly has been down most of the class period.
Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.
[Petco]
INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for a real fish person.
ME: Like a mermaid?
INTERVIEWER:
What the hell is going on?
last christmas
i saved me some plums
the very next day
you ate them anywaynext year
to save me from tears
i’ll eat all my plums for dinner
Aragorn: You have my sword
Legolas: And my bow
Gimli: And my axe
Van Gogh: Just hear me out
Zoo security guy: We know you’ve stolen a parrot. Hand it over.
Me: Why would you accuse me? Is it because I’m brown??
From inside my jacket: Is it because I’m brown??
DATE: what’s with the tattoo?
ME: that’s Alcatraz
DATE: “prison tats” are not normally of the actual prison building
cant wait for y’all to be released from the shackles of birthday dinners
Why are people still calling my phone I thought we covered this at orientation…
Take your husband’s last name. Take his first name. Take his social. Assume his identity. Hide the body in a closet. You’re the husband now.
Gloria Gaynor: Go on now, go! Walk out the door! Just turn around now because you’re not welcome anymore
Hotel California manager: Gloria, a word
Due to inflation the number of the beast is now 812. Please adjust your satanic rituals accordingly.
ME: *taking a massive hit of universal healthcare*
DAD: *pounding on the door* what are you kids doing in there?
ME:
DAD: Are you doing socialism in there? Open this door right now
Facebook needs an “I’ve already seen this on Twitter” button.
What?
Crazy but not like defend my opinion of a roast beef sandwich crazy
When Granpa revealed an exit wound scar from WWII it gave me strength to show him the owie owie bruise I suffered closing a faulty pizza box
Women are like angels, and when someone breaks our wings, we simply continue to fly……. on a broomstick, we’re flexible like that
Interviewer: what would you say if I said you talk too much.
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
If the Twitter algorithm actually understood me, my targeted ads would all be wine and sandwiches.
Darth Vader was built for COVID-19. Great face mask & the ability to force choke anyone within 6 feet.
Finally, a cream that replaces me with another person
[dog dies in a movie]
Me: *crying*[human dies in a movie]
Me: *crying* why did they have to kill that dog earlier
I never wanted to hug someone as badly as the little old man who just ordered a “small coffee flavored coffee” in Starbucks.