6 YEAR OLD RENOVATOR: So over here we’ll tear up the carpet, and obviously add a lot of furniture, as the floor will be lava.
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Ever noticed how you used to be embarrassed by things you did or that happen to you, but now your first thought is “I can tweet that”
Me: I look cute today.
Camera: No.
A marriage built on respect and trust can survive anything. Except losing twice as much weight on a diet than your wife, apparently.
Called it
Tinder: Meet people within a few miles
Twitter: Meet people within a few thousand miles
Took my car to the mechanic because it was making a terrible noise… Turns out it was just a Pitbull song on the radio.
also my go-to takeaway order
No one told me we would be forced to eat brussel sprouts at that haunted house.
The flintstones are proof that man lived with dinosaurs
a one man band getting kicked out of a zumba class
I asked this homeless lady if I could take her home. She said yes, so I walked off with her cardboard box.
Wife: what’s wrong?
Me *halfway through eating a horse* I’m not as hungry as I thought
She’s a cosmetologist, bro. Astronaut stuff.
i feel sorry for people who say things like less is more because they’ve obviously never had sex or french fries
1% battery…..
Because I like to live on the
Client – is your boss available
Receptionist – he’s currently una –
Me – he’s been in the bathroom for almost 20 damn minutes
The woman at the table next to me has been whining and complaining about her boyfriend for the last 20 minutes.
I’m not even in the relationship and I’ve broken up with her 4 times in my mind.
Sometimes I get my Twitter app and my Tinder app confused. I know now that talking about skin suits to prospective dates is not “funny”.
Officer: Ma’am we take these complaints very seriously so we do need to search your home.
Me: But not the basement, right?
Me [cracking open a beer]: Man, what a rough day.
Wife: IT’S 8 AM
When I get bored on a Zoom meeting, I put a cursor under the speaker’s nose to make it look like they have a booger.
Can’t. Trying to decide between hiding the presents in the dishwasher or the washer/dryer since I’m the only one in this damn house who uses them.
Nurse: “Have you had any unexplained weight gain this past year?”
Me: “No, there are explanations.”
Xylophonist Shredding It
I keep a pocket DVD player, loaded with The Neverending Story, paused on the scene where Artax drowns in the swamp of sadness. In case I overhear someone say “that’s the saddest thing ever!” and need to show them why they’re wrong
If being bad at grammar is a crime than arrest me.
hot panini’s mom is pissed, you guys.
Lmao i opened a checking account in college and years later they needed to verify me and asked me a bunch of security questions that I got completely wrong. Turns out when I opened it I made every answer “shark week” so it would be easy to remember