6-year-old: *shows off her new fancy pen*
Me: That’s so nice. Who gave you that?
6: My boyfriend.
Me: Give it back.
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Currently being yelled at by my sour patch 5yo daughter for “not playing Barbies right” bc I decided to make mine a 9-year-old girl from Brooklyn who sounds like she has smoker’s lung and lives above a pizzeria.
can’t stop thinking about pink camo as a concept. the lore of where you’d need pink camo to survive the wilderness under cover. I want to go to there.
[me giving a TED Talk]
*repeatedly pronounces a hard first ‘c’ in ‘science’*
Pet Cemetery 3:
People get tired of resurrecting pets and relatives.
Somebody buries dinosaur bones.
Jurassic Park ensues.
looking for a buddy to go together on knuckle tats:
[P][E][R][S] [O][N][A][L]
[P][A][N][P] [I][Z][Z][A]
Slipknot sacked their drummer a few months ago, and suddenly Kate Middleton is nowhere to be seen?
Surely not a coincidence, she must be locked in rehearsals frantically learning their tour set list and getting a horror mask fitted.
I’d rather get killed by the Blair Witch on the first night than have to camp another night.
Punctuation Matters. Period.
Bartender: What can I get you?
Me: Sex, beards, rock & roll?
Bartender:
Me: Sparkling vampire crazy about me?
Bartender:
Me: Beer.
in case you were wondering how things are going these days for the generation that attended kindergarten exclusively via zoom…
our 6yo has started surreptitiously playing wordle on his school-issued chromebook while in class and skyping us his score
Me: So my car made a noise and..
Mechanic: That’s gonna be expensive.. I can tell already.
I’m Asian, but not wears a kimono, eats dogs, owns a bonsai tree, knows how to use chopsticks, waxes on waxes off, good at the math, Asian.
I’m trying to teach my toddler how to headbang but he’s pissed because he wants a bottle. I told him to save that anger for the mosh pit.
Follow me on instagram here!
It won’t all be gold – most of it is barely pewter
[Turning a carved Halloween pumpkin around so it’s now a Thanksgiving pumpkin] “haha suck it, Martha Stewart”
[approaching a person with a service dog who’s wearing a “Working: Do Not Pet” vest]
Me who is different and likely not target audience of sign: Hi, can I pet your dog?
I have a migraine and my stomach hurts. A fast food burger and fries should help.
I live in fear of my kids going outside when it’s raining, because they could get wet and multiply.
Puts cardboard cutout of myself at my desk a week ago*
Receives check*
Dang I just got a raise
her: i’m leaving u
me: is it bc i fish for compliments
her: yes
me: or bc i’m the worst person ever
Overheard a girl just say she’s full because she ate at 3:00. It’s 6:00. How can you stay full for THREE HOURS, alien?
She lied to me. Just like the resealable cheese industry.
I don’t ever use my blinker. It’s nobody’s business where I’m going.
ME: (sitting by a roaring fire) Isn’t this romantic?
WIFE: Your crocs are melting.
PROCTOLOGIST: *removes thermometer* ok this isn’t good
ME: what
PROCTOLOGIST: it’s not the one I put in there
Every time I see someone holding hands I get triggered to play red rover with them.
Me: These eye makeup remover pads are amazing.
Mom: Those are medicated hemorrhoidal pads.
My nail technicians always speak their native language around me and I can’t help but feel left out…it’s like…come on besties…I want to make fun of me too
Ugh.
“What’s wrong honey?”
My bad knee is acting up again.
*knee robs a gas station*