6-year-old: Why do I have to share a room?
Me: It could be worse. Harry Potter slept in a cupboard under the stairs.
6: Yeah. By himself.
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brain: wake up
me: it’s 1:15 am
brain: pick up your phone
me: fine just for a minute
brain: lmao ok
Either you die or it’s a good trampoline. There’s no in-between.
[first date]
HER: I totally love Nirvana
ME: Oh yeah? Name one of their albums
HER: Nevermind
ME Okay, forget about it then
Daughter announced there will be rain for Thanksgiving. We usually have turkey but with her cooking skills rain will taste better.
Please keep my heartbroken toddler in your thoughts because I vacuumed up some crumbs from the floor that he was apparently very attached to.
some of you take your Halloween decorations seriously, and IT shows
The greatest revenge is a life well lived.
If you can’t do that, a close second is shitting on your enemy’s doorstep.
Christmas note to self: too much tequila makes tinsel look tasty.
a fun activity is leaving one-star amazon reviews for handsaws where you really lean into their ineffectiveness at sawing circles around various pies you’ve tried stealing from underneath picnic tables
My type is 12 pt Helvetica.
[working on a car]
me: this isn’t as easy as I thought
boss: get that desk off there
Sephora employee: “you have 70000 points, you can choose from any of these things”
“You can hide but you can’t run,”
– Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids
old people with oxygen tanks are sneaking away to live in an underwater utopia
Apparently…
Border Security does NOT think it’s funny when you reply,“I’m hungry”
when they ask you if you have anything to declare.
I just need you to see the stairs in an apartment I viewed. Am I a mountain goat?
Buddha: all life is suffering
Me: alright dude, chill out. they said your food would be out in ten minutes
Karma Chameleon is my favorite song about lizards getting what’s coming to them
The neighbor’s 5yo keeps yelling “are we boyfriend and girlfriend” across the fence at my 5yo, and my kid just came running in the house and slammed the door, so I guess that answers that
If she hides her money in her bra, that’s called a treasure chest.
Dad that spaghetti you brought home in the plastic container was terrible. Who the hell names an Italian restaurant ‘Nightcrawlers’?
*me on my deathbed* here, I want you to have my basket of cords.
I heard that no real accountants were consulted during the filming of the new movie The Accountant. They want the movie to be entertaining.
I would be a workaholic but I can’t stand the taste of workahol.
I never thought I’d be the kind of woman to wear fur. Then I got 16 cats.
she’s a 10 but excel thinks she’s an October
DR DOG: Please remove your shoes & step on the scale
PATIENT: Ok
DR DOG: I’ll be right back *carries the shoes out of the room in his mouth*
I can only assume that when realtors list a “modest home,” that means it is a house that has never once worn leggings or yoga pants
Who has 3 thumbs and needs an alibi?