6 year old wouldn’t drink out of my cup because she doesn’t want my “DNA”. Should I tell her?
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Do one thing every day that scares your psychiatrist
Teacher: define “impossible”
Me: no can do
Teacher: correct. and can you explain what “skepticism” is?
Me: doubt it
Teacher: excellent! and “agnosticism”?
Me: I have no idea
Teacher: amazing
Her: Sorry I’m late. I just had the most horrific experience.
Me: Oh No! Did Dorothy’s house fall on you again?
I love my new crockpot. Now we can wait longer to eat my horrible cooking.
“Does this hurt?”
“YES!”
“What about this?”
“OW!”
*Dr. writes notes*
“Patient shows symptoms of pain when stabbed with knife. Keep updates.”
ME: we have a problem, they’re out of hot dogs
HER: that’s ok, i’m vegan
ME: ok we have two problems
Good cop: be a pal and tell us who did crime
Dad cop: you’re gonna want to be at the airport ten hours before your flight
Me: Hello darkness, my old friend.
Darkness: New phone, who dis?
9: Can I rent an otter?
Me: Uh, I haven’t had my second cup of coffee yet I can’t do this conversation right now
No horror movie can surpass the sensation of touching your pockets and not feeling your cell phone.
“IN THIS CORNER.. DWAYNE “THE ROCK” JOHNSON”
*the rock beats chest*
AND IN THIS CORNER… RYAN “PAPER” WALLACE
*the rock is visibly nervous*
asked my bf how work was today
“Daddy, how are babies made?”
“Well son, when a man and a woman have too much to drink..”
The weatherman keeps saying we are getting a pounding.
*Followed*
I dressed as a chimp for 4 years to win a woman’s heart. Eventually I realized that disguising myself was a breech of trust and revealing myself would be a betrayal. I stayed a chimp 3 more years, contributing to important data she was collecting. I realize now I sullied that too
*wipes off Chapstick
Weigh me now
Date: I like old fashioned guys
Me: I have polio
horse: is ur name liam
liam neeson: yea?
horse: lol i know u we worked together on a different movie
liam neeson: does anybody else hear this horse talking to me
You ever do something so stupid, your mouth refuses to work so you can’t tell on yourself?
me: *cracks knuckles*
bully: let’s do this
me: i would but i’ve just broken my hand
Marriage Tip: never go to bed angry.
Go to bed planning your opening rebuttal for the next morning.
[at a restaurant]
Her: I’m going with meatloaf
Me: *crying* I hope you guys are happy together
[tsunami approaching]
guy: RUN
me: wait why is the T silent
As an atheist I don’t receive many xmas cards and the ones I do disproportionately say “may God have mercy on your soul.”
I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up later.
I am going to learn to astral project or I’m going to sleep trying.
giv a man a fish adn he’ll say “wat is this i ordered a mcflurry”
teach a man to fish adn he’ll say “how ar u the manager of this mcdonalds”
I’ve been calling my wife “honey” for 12 years because I don’t know how to tell her I forgot her name.
After months of trying, I finally have a runner’s body. His shoes too. Also a really nice pair of headphones & his Fitbit. He was in shape.
Bad News: One of the side effects of your medication is death.
Good News: Death pretty much cures anything.