6 yr old: Can we have cupcakes for breakfast?
Me: Absolutely not.
(I can’t tell him it’s because I ate them all around 3am.)
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My neighbours just submitted a petition that I stop setting traps for stray pigs after I caught my 16th police man today.
Is it rude to interrupt someone’s wedding vows and ask if it’s time for cake?
Son: Dad?
Me: Yeah?
S: Do you have a plan for the ‘Zombie Apocalypse’?
M: Sure do.
S: What is it?
M: To run faster than you & your sister.
Overhead an older lady telling her friend that she has “no faith in St. Martin” and I think more saints should be subject to user reviews
superman: hey can i borrow your ladder? i need to replace one of the lightbulbs on my kitchen ceiling
batman: dude, you can fly…
superman: oh yeah, good point. i can just fly to home depot and buy a ladder
batman: what
Eating in my 40s is confusing: I’m young enough that I still need to take care of my body, but old enough that I don’t want to risk having a salad as my last meal.
Edward Cullen: How long have you been 30?
Me: *long awkward pause* A while…
Me: could you pass me the Washington Shire sauce
Her: the what?
Me: the Westminster Shore sauce
Her: are you having a stroke?
Me: the Warcaster Shiner sauce
Her: hello, 911? I need an ambulance-
Me: the Willmington Scone sauce
Her: please, it’s getting worse
Me: the Wank-
Turns out 6 foot penguins don’t exist, in related news, I might have just ran over a nun.
[at a dinner party]
Me: I saw a UFO once
Wife: It was a frisbee
Me: At the park
Wife: Frisbee
Me: I took a pic
Wife: Of a frisbee in the air
Me: *shows pic*
Friend: Looks like a…
Wife: Frisbee
[movie theater concessions]
Me: ok kiddos we can get popcorn or we can pay for your college.
Kids: POPCORN!
Wife: seriously!?!
Me: [shakes head sadly] they’ve made their choice.
I’m going to invent an app that tells you where the nearest bar is with no guy on a stool playing acoustic guitar.
“Hey, smell this.”
-Me, about to chloroform my feral kids before bedtime.
me: Pop the champagne
you: Yay! What are we celebrating?
me: what
I like when videogames limit how many things you can hold. “You have 100 items in an invisible bag. Carrying another would be unrealistic”
I confused the spatula with a flyswatter is why that is floating in your soup.
Him: I’m a champion bull rider, baby. I know how to handle the ride.
Me: All I’m hearing is you last for 8 seconds.
DATE: My last boyfriend was such trash.
ME: *3 raccoons in a trench coat but trying to play it cool* I would not have liked that.
Shout out to sidewalks.
Thanks for keeping me off the streets.
1. Rent storage unit
2. Procure 3 bodies at morgue
3. Place bodies in storage unit
4. Stop making payments
5. Wait. Best Storage Wars Ever
ME: I’ve brought you a house-warming present
ESKIMO: You idiot
ME: I’ve spent my whole life running
THERAPIST: from who you are?
ME: [thinking about that one time I threw a boomerang into a tornado] no
German shepherd? I think we adopted a kangaroo.
In my 20’s: why is eating healthy such a big deal anyways.
In my 40’s: oh.
My neighbour keeps making cutting remarks like “you really need a better lawnmower”
Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
Twitter should offer Shkreli his account back for $10,000 and if he agrees say sorry and suddenly raise the price 5600%
My son just said, “Peace on Earth, goodwill to men,” and shot me in the face with a Nerf™️ gun.
dont freak out but everything is made of chemicals