60% of parenting is making grand plans to do something special with your kids and then hoping they forget about them so you don’t have to go.
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Great now my sugar daddy just left for smokes
I’d walk through fire for my daughter. Well not FIRE, because it’s dangerous. But a super humid room. But not too humid, because my hair.
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: please give me another chance, I’m struggling to put food on the table
BOSS: that’s the problem…you’re the worst waiter I’ve ever hired
The “Skip Ad” countdown on Youtube is more exciting than an Apollo launch.
People with good posture are so reckless. Why are you sticking your head into the sky with all the crows and frisbees? Come back down here where it’s safe.
Welcome to your 40s: time to go slap mulch bags at home depot.
If someone tells you they don’t like some particular word, do not torment them with it. To do so is totally moist.
I find so much of my wife’s hair in the shower, I stashed some silver bullets in the nightstand. Just in case.
ME: thanks for “showing me the ropes” lol
SAILING INSTRUCTOR: you’re not even making a joke sailing is literally where that comes from
Teacher: Who knows what Pennsylvania is famous for?
5: Pencils. Duh.
why am i having trouble navigating this map??
I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments
I was reading a book with my 7yo where a teacher was getting married and INVITED ALL HER STUDENTS and then the students started SECRETLY PLANNING THE WEDDING to help out and I was so stressed out like “wtf, how is this gonna pan out, these kids don’t know how to hire a band”
I can’t believe I live in a world where our only defense against a blizzard is buying extra milk.
Nobody will know you’re stoned if you’re always stoned
[haunted house]
FRIEND: you scared???
ME: not because of this haunted house, but yes
*Welsh Cities lining up outside Starbucks; the barista who writes the names on the cups starts hyperventilating and looking for an exit*
Introverts need extroverts to push them out of their comfort zones, and extroverts need introverts to post bail.
Me: I like sunsets
Son: *squinting* sounds like something a vampire would say
Me:
Son: you’re also very pale
“I really have no idea how to pronounce my name but I won’t admit it.”
Guys named Geoff.
Oh.
You have a boyfriendBut…
can he do this…( flexes flab )
[party city]
employee: you don’t work here—why are you taking an inventory of these cardboard cutouts of sherlock?
me: I’ve got stock holmes syndrome
My sense of humor has been described as “please stop” and “you’re ruining dinner”
My rapper name is Chick P cause I mostly just hum about us.
Dentists that pass out lollipops at the end of your child’s dental cleaning, are passing out little pieces of job security.
Being a mother is truly a gift. My son surprised me by stopping in to visit yesterday. Last night when I went to watch TV, I no longer had one.
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid
[rhyme factory]
BOSS: get cracking on those words that rhyme with “ow”
WORKER: yes sir
bow
cow
dow
how
*boss looks away*
low
mow
*boss looks back*
now
pow
*boss looks away again*
row
sow
tow
*boss looks back*
vow
wow
IF THEY’RE THE GREATEST GENERATION WHY CAN’T EITHER OF MY PARENTS REMEMBER THEIR FACEBOOK PASSWORDS?!