6:00am: I’ll go to the gym in 20 minutes
6:20am: I’ll go to the gym in 10 minutes
6:30am: I’ll go to the gym in 5 minutes
6:35am: I’ll go to the gym in 2 minutes
6:37am: What time does McDonald’s open
You Might Also Like
This all started with Meghan’s friend setting her up on a blind date with Prince Harry. My friends are actually useless.
She said she wanted to try spouse swapping. Next thing I know she’s trading me for a toaster.
New diet plan: murder all the skinny people.
Son: What’s this spell? *waves finger wildly in the air*
Me: I’m not sure, bud.
Son: PAY ATTENTION! *aggressively waves finger wildly in the air*
Me: Ummmm, truck?
Son: Were you even looking? Try again. *pointedly waves finger wildly in the air*[repeat ad infinitum]
never saying ‘i love you’ first ever again
I opened the internet to read today’s news and quickly said “Oh, god, sorry” and closed it like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.
its been 20 yrs since Celine Dion released “I’m In Love With A Boat”, from the movie “Big Stupid Boat”
Please send yard fairy. Or a genie. Or your firstborn. Anyone that will cut grass will do
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive
Youtube is the only place where you’ll find people arguing about religion in the comments of a snowboarding video.
Just discovered my 7yo wearing his underwear backwards again. Playing classical music while pregnant is bullshit.
I’m sorry…what?
spent 20 minutes training ChatGPT to write the perfect anniversary note for my wife so don’t try to tell me I’m not romantic
HR: Do you use the visualization exercises from the anger management class?
Me: Yes, I picture a swarm of bees attacking co-workers.
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
(Auditioning to be a bird)
*accidentally walks into a sliding glass door*
DIRECTOR: Wow, she’s really good.
*gives up being Catholic for Lent*
God: damn it… they’ve found the loophole
Only way I’d want to see a jam band is if they were accompanied by a peanut butter orchestra.
Welcome to your 40s, your gum’s flavor outlasts your chewing stamina now.
Me: I love eating nerds
Boy: (brings me Nerds candy)
Me: no, not that kind.
When someone trying to leave me
Gotta love those girls in department stores wearing lab coats–taking time away from their experiments to help women out with their makeup.
Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Musical.
You said that if I went to visit at the hospital I should be sure to take flowers. So, when the nurse wasn’t looking, I did.
[world without bees]
Hamlet: to or not to
*sees any 3 stars in a row*
(confidently)
“that’s orion’s belt”
My 8 year old just pointed a lady into the direction of the toy section at this K-Mart and now he’s the assistant manager
Therapist: what’s your biggest fear?
Me: being alone
Therapist [getting tarantula out of box]: guess again idiot
As soon as I walk in, I can feel every woman at the gym dressing me with their eyes.
(At Kentucky Derby)
ME: I’d like to enter my horse for the race.
EMPLOYEE: Sir, that’s a cheetah.
ME: *slyly passes him a burrito* Or is it?