[6:00pm] i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight
[11:00pm] yay i did it!
[11:01pm] *preheats oven*
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Make librarians cry by calling it a “Book Museum” while taking pictures with your iPad.
Parents *before their kids performance*: Here, snort these four lines of organic sugar
anything is possible with the right attitude and a sledgehammer
I don’t need to go to Christian Mingle to find God’s match for me because I already know it’s pizza
[weapons store]
ME: *holding up a spare pin* Has anybody seen my grenade?
I am on a diet. This is just my cheat decade
“Hello, can I speak to Mr Featherstonehaugh please?”
“How are you pronouncing that?”
“It doesn’t matter, this is a written joke”
Blocking anyone who tries to motivate me.
*chugging beers at 11am*
Waitress: looks like somebody is having a fun St Patrick’s Day!
Me: That’s today?
Been trying to pair my new phone with the Bluetooth in the car and I think it’s easier to get pandas to mate.
If I could teach my kid anything it would be do not attempt to lay on my face. Give me my personal space please, tiny leech.
Looks like someone’s been slipping steroids into Garfield’s lasagna again.
Only parents of toddlers know the anxiety of finding a sharpie lid on the floor.
everyone hates on Gollum but he had the right idea: become a hermit, collect jewels, swim naked in lakes and pools, occasionally hiss at people who try to make you go places
Watching the new Aladdin with my kids and niece and nephew.
15 year old niece: I totally had no idea Will Smith could sing before this movie.
Me: Yeah, he’s been gettin’ jiggy wit it for decades!
15: Uhhh…what?
Me: Never mind.
For $100 I will FaceTime you in scrubs on Thanksgiving and pretend to be your boyfriend that couldn’t make it because he had to work in the hospital
I asked a patient (accompanied by his wife & teenage son) if he exercises? He said, ‘Of course!’ & his wife, in unison, said ‘Not at all!’
I looked at the teenager. He said, ‘Dad goes out with his gym bag but I can’t say for sure if he exercises!’
That boy is a future diplomat.
You can break your toddler’s heart or you can explain that the dinosaur exhibit at the zoo is closed for cleaning. Choose wisely
What if we gave the railroad workers LSD?
– inventor of the roller coaster
The day your child learns the word literally and starts using it in literally every sentence is the day you literally wish you’d never let them learn to speak.
Honey, why do these IKEA sofa instructions show a hammer, two allen keys and a divorce lawyer’s office?
Teach your children to beatbox
Me: You really brighten up the room!
Date: Aww, thanks!
Me: *staring directly at the sun* Who said that
When I find myself with a simple problem, I stop, take a deep breath, and ask myself, “How can I complicate this?”
The company CEO gives a few words of personal appreciation each year at the holiday party.
I got, “Oh, you’re still here?”
Just removed my bra, whipped it around my head, and tried to toss it away, but a hook got caught in my hair. Available for bachelor parties.
Can someone call my keys? I forgot where I put them
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: i get everyone fired
ex professor: what wait no
impressing her on a first date by using no knife but two forks