The guy who thought up Super Mario must have had a very complicated relationship with turtles
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my kid is in her bed kicking her wall in morse code.
nope, scratch that. It’s either Wheels on the Bus or Bohemian Rhapsody, but I’m gonna tell her either way to go ahead and skip to the end
My friend is dating a guy who won’t stop taking her to the circus 😭
Sorry I headbutted you, I was gonna punch you but, I was holding wine.
People stick up those “Baby on Board” signs as if their infant is somehow more precious than my 4-foot travel bong.
Um, so you’re god’s gift to women? So was Jesus…look what happened to him.
You may want to rethink that.
I hated Sex Ed at school. Or ‘Sexy Edward’, to give him his full name.
“I’m having a public meltdown!!” – A Snowman, maybe.
one time i matched with a girl on a dating app and her bio said “the first date better be outdoors” so i asked if she wanted to go for a hike and she was like “i meant more like, patio drinks”
If you’re a parent don’t forget to set your clocks forward and then jump out the window.
One of my kids opened a new bottle of salad dressing and immediately lost the lid. The next day another child of mine opened a new bottle of dressing, same brand and also immediately lost the lid. It’s not life or death but it is a fair example of why I rub my temples a lot.
[rap battle]
me: orange grorange schmorange blorange
I love putting on warm underwear fresh out of the dryer. I also love to look around the laundromat and guess who they belong to.
Wife’s been away since thursday, we ran out of spaghetti-o’s on friday, ate the dog yesterday, burned photo albums for heat today, pls help
I accidentally bumped into a guy today & he’s like “Aren’t you going to apologize? Asshole!” so yes, I told him “Assholes never applogize”.
seeing a mysterious portal open in the woods and just walking by. not my business.
how is March already THIS WEEK, I’m still processing the industrial revolution era of 1820-1840
Always the camel, never the toe.
Sorting Hat: WAFFLE HOUSE!!
Me: oh, very funny…
You can tell a lot about a person when you’re a snitch
In medieval Europe, it was pretty easy to amass vast armies eager to go into battle and have their heads schwacked off because no one wanted to be alive in medieval Europe.
Don’t you find it weird when you go to high five someone and they interlock their fingers with yours and hold it together for a few seconds?
I know you do. That’s why I do it.
Them: I’ll see you in court!
Me: Never![in court]
Me: (enters in head-to-toe camouflage]
INTERVIEWER: what’s a skill you want to improve?
ME: to realize when someone isn’t talking to me
JOE: uh…Excel
Imagine if you could do crimes like a corporation. Like they find 20 kids in an underground dungeon in my house and I then pledge to reduce the amount of kids in the dungeon by 2030 and I’m praised for my efforts to get kid dungeons out of my industry
RIP little boat. I can’t think of a more dinghy friend, canoe?
I can’t find my toddler.
I can’t find the duct tape.
I’ve got a bad feeling about this.
First day as a vampire hunter: This is easy lol
First night as a vampire hunter: oh no
“Siri, show me justifiable homicide.”
I hate it when I forget to cut the tags off my sandwich and everyone’s like “New sandwich?”
I just got a text from a number I don’t recognize saying, ‘You’re an embarrassment of a son’. I’ve narrowed it down to 2 people.