Serena Williams just thanked Me! You’re welcome, Serena! That’s what I do all day! Decide the winner of women’s tennis matches!!!
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When your whiskey stops people from entering your house.
~ Scotchgard
If every day is a gift, I’d have to say today was a Fruitcake from Last Year Day.
Recycled, disappointing and held together by booze.
rules for dating my daughter:
1. you are not to hang out with her after 11 pm
2. because that’s when you’ll be hanging out with me
3. please be my friend
Technology is moving so fast. My toaster just sprinted across the kitchen.
I have two years left on my looks. Four if I work out.
So 2 years.
There are few situations in life which have to be resolved with violence for example-
Mosquito on your ex’s cheek.
Win every disagreement by saying ” I know. I’m from the future.” Because they can argue with you, but not science.
– Shout!
-Me:
– Shout!
-Me:
-Let it all out!!!
-Me: *shouting and letting it all out*
-These are the things i can do without.
-Me:
Accidentally touched my kid’s toothpaste tube, do I just get a new hand now or what?
5 [falls down playing in creek]: ow my leg! Dad I need a Band-Aid!
Me: You’re not bleeding, Band-Aids are for when we bleed
5: I neeeeeeed one!
Me [sighing and preparing for placating, goes to put Band-Aid on leg]
5: not there! On my arm!
Luke: Lightsabers cut through anything.
Ninja: So does a samurai sword.
L: But does it make a cool noise?
N: *cuts off Luke’s other hand*
Cop: License?
Me: Here.
Cop: Sir this is a notecard with “Liscence” on it. And above that you wrote and crossed out “Lysense” and “Lisance.”
I started to cook breakfast and my 8yo hopped up to me and chirped, “I can make eggs.”
And then she did.
She made perfect scrabbled eggs.
How long has she been trolling me, sitting at the breakfast table pretending that she cannot even pour herself a drink?
The global energy crisis could be solved if only we could harness the power of my wife slamming my car door.
I worry that without my car’s skid warning light I’d have no way of knowing that I was about to drive into a wall
the worst kind of twitter bio is something like “katie’s husband. father to jenny” i don’t know who that is, dip shit
I just learned that dentists can actually smell your fear.
I only wish that I weren’t learning this from the dentist who’s lurking outside my window
Nobody can turn an omelet into scrambled eggs quicker than me.
*Interrupts your meltdown*
Where do you keep the good snacks!?
Singin’ in the Rain (1952) but with a Velociraptor
Told my landlord I was leaving for Los Angeles and he’s being very supportive
*uses your voodoo doll as a tampon*
So, nothing rhymes with orange, huh?
*changes name to MC Orange, wins every rap battle, and retires undefeated*
Kids got me a t-shirt 2 sizes too small and made me a big breakfast this morning. So yes I now know what it’s like to take off a sports bra
growing up, nothing was ever more unsettling than when you were at a friend’s house and found out they had weird names for their grandparents. who the f*** is gum-gum
No internet for 11 hours. I’ve written two novels, lost 15 pounds, and forgotten how to pronnounce “gif.”
Sometimes I’m really happy I decided to become a parent and other times I’m not calculating my Federal Tax deductions.
You can run but my rifle’s got a scope.
*walks into alma mater carrying English degree*
I’d like a refund, please. This did not work as promised.