6am. 4 runs into bedroom, jumps on bed repeatedly.
“DADDY, DADDY, DADDY! WAKE UP! HAPPY FATHER’S DAY! WE’RE GOING TO LET YOU SLEEP IN!
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You look like a snack:
-way overused
-not specific enough
-not enough affectionate noisesYou look like a moose:
-a very cute moose
-make all the boy moose go HWAAAAH
Did it hurt? When even autocorrect couldn’t figure out that word you were reaching for
her: *opening valentine’s day gift* are these abacus beads?
me: it’s the little things that count
If the cat climbs into a house guest’s lap, I like to freeze and whisper, “Are you feeling okay? She only does that with those who are dying.”
Oceanography is all about current events
#WarAgainstPorn because they’re having sex and we’re not. No porn for anyone until everyone’s having sex, ok?
“Oh babe. All of that is for me?”
-Me, to my laundry basket.
[having sex]
ME: sex sounds
PARTNER: are you saying “sex sounds”
Oh, the other kind of staff meeting.
*Gets dressed.
My mom was right. My face did stay this way.
It’s normal to have conflicting feelings on Columbus Day. True, he discovered the Greatest Nation on Earth, but he also supported Obamacare.
Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Him: You not telling me I did something wrong for a whole day.
Me: no. Think of something else.
Waiter, Waiter, will my pizza be long?
No sir, it will be round.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Yelp review: Excellent food, friendly service. That said, I did notice a smudge on a window and was forced to set the building on fire
Me: [talking out loud while I write in my diary] today was ok, I just wish I could have eaten more breadsticks
Waiter: *sighs* sir would you like more breadsticks
Job interviewer: What are your strengths?
Me: Is the next question going to be about weaknesses?
JI: Yes.
Me: I’m very perceptive.
This empty bowl of cake batter taught me I shouldn’t volunteer to make cupcakes for weddings alone.
I missed your birthday because I didn’t log onto Facebook that day. #LetsBeReal
Welcome to backhanded compliment club, it’s so nice meeting people who don’t care how they look
The only time I complain about my husband being on his phone is when I’m not on mine.
Husband: Stop introducing me as your first husband.
Some people are like water balloons, they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
When my youngest was 3, he wrote “dad” on the coffee table in Sharpie.
When I asked him who did that, he glanced at me, studied the coffee table, looked me right in the eye and said, “It looks like dad did it.”
I continue to blame my ex-husband for this at least once a year.
that feeling when you hold her face in your hands & gaze into her eyes like she’s the universe, then u think “wait a minute, who’s driving”
I’m wearing a tuxedo to work today in protest of casual Friday.
[leaving sushi restaurant]
WAITER: sayonara
ME: onara
A large group of Canadian Geese is called a Nightmare.
If you watch 2016 backwards, it’s a heartwarming story of how celebrities can come back to life just by trending on the Internet.
I need a personal trainer to be in charge of how I exercise because I’m in charge of how I eat and look how that turned out.
Me: * tastes dog treats*
Stalker: frickin weirdo