6:There’s a monster under my bed
Me:That’s silly! There’s no such thi..OH GOD IT’S EATING MY ARM
6:SCREAMS
ME:KIDDING it only eats kids
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According to the scale at my gym, all I’ve lost so far is 300 dollars.
Telling people to ban same sex marriage cuz of your religion is like telling the supermarket to stop selling junk food cuz you’re on a diet.
Can’t wait for the machines to rise up and are beaten by a firmware update
[first day as a surgeon]
me: do you have any questions?
patient: how often do people die during this surgery?
me: just once
You’ll get this gun when you pry it out of my cold dead ow hey give that back
High school prepares you for real life! For example, show choir taught me how to put on eyeliner and lip liner in a car on the freeway
[dinner time]
me: what would you like to stare at for twenty minutes and then throw away?
kids: whatever’s the most difficult to make
employment counsellor: for your interview be sure to bring a copy of your CV, be on time and wear your best dress
me: [shows up in prom gown but on time]
We’re out of duct tape, craft glue, and frozen orange juice because I made a sandwich while I was drunk last night.
Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*
Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch
Vader: Remove my helmet so I can see you with my own eyes.
Luke: OK.
Vader: On second thought, don’t. I have 30 years worth of hat hair.
just wanna disappear into a forest but, like, with modern appliances and Wi-Fi
We can put a man on the moon, but we can’t think of a less terrifying way to can biscuits
Tried to steal some candy from a baby.
I got hit in the face with a rattle and then it puked on me
They lied about how easy that was.
Brain: Follow your heart
Heart: Go with your gut
Gut: Pick the grilled cheese
robber: give me all the cheddar or i’ll shoot
me: here take my wallet i don’t want trouble
robber: no i just need cheese for my ham sandwich
me: what do you think is in my wallet
How to stop checking someone’s Facebook page:
1. Delete your Facebook profile
2. Break your phone
3. Give away your laptop
4. Die
My wife’s tweezers were missing the other day, she finally found them near a fly with no wings, I don’t know how that happened.
*watching the discovery channel* this isn’t very disco
When I say, “I’ve always wanted an island”, I meant in the Caribbean, not the kitchen.
This Amber Alert has gone off 4 times today.
I bet the people with hidden prison phones are shitting themselves right about now. 😬
“What an awesome body-”
Oh… thanks. I work out-
“- of research.”
– formulas. I work out formulas. *sips tea* I do a lot of math.
Qsieowrrtpd
That’s me picking off pieces of quinoa from my iPad
Always be yourself.
Unless you’re Monday. Monday, how about you try being like Friday for once!
I just opened a Valentine’s Day card that was filled with heart confetti. I don’t remember the last time I was this angry.
He stole my heart, so I stole his last name. Is the slogan of a very famous body parts and new ID shop in Mexico.
When people tell me I have the body of a 25 yr old, I’m unsure if it’s a compliment, or they finally unearthed the oil drums in my backyard.
vanessa carlton drove a piano one thousand miles to get to the one she loved and i can’t even get a text back.
Been on hold so long I can’t remember who I called. I have a credit card out and my pants off but that doesn’t really narrow it down much.
When a bite of food falls off your plate… And you just stare at it on the ground like, “We could’ve made each other happy…”