what’s wrong, babe, you’ve hardly played your juitar
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them: i hate answering emails
me: yeah, it’s the worst
them: let’s just have a meeting
me: wait
Me: *juggles stapler, tape dispenser and hand sanitizer*
Interviewer: I meant are you good at multitasking. Please return those items to my desk.
It’s a good thing when your therapist sits down with a bucket of popcorn, right?
I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.
Juror: we find the defendant guilty
Me: objection your honour! U already asked me if I was guilty & I told u I wasn’t
Judge: he has a point
Me: The dog gives me more attention because he loves me the most.
Husband: No, it’s because you’re constantly dropping food on the floor.
Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.
how come you never see animal cruelty people protesting turtlenecks?
Wait. I thought I was watching Hoarders. Looks like things are heating up!
Wife: don’t forget to pick the kids up from school
Me: it’s Saturday, they’re both upstairs
Wife: it’s Wednesday & we have 3 kids
Whenever a serial killer is caught, I always check my follower list to make sure you’re all still there.
gas pump: see attendant
me: looks like i no longer need gas
Bees: why are all the humans disappearing
Nearly choked on a carrot and a donut would never do that to me.
[i go to put out my electronic cigarette on a framed photo of someone i used to love but it only taps the glass] damn this piss hell future.
For the first time, all three of my kids are going to three different schools. I managed to get them all there on time for their first day, but intentionally ran a few minutes late on day two so their teachers didn’t have unrealistic expectations.
Not to brag but I read the instructions before I did something today. I didn’t follow them, but still.
“Bob’s here”
Bob from work or Bob THE HARBINGER OF DEATH
*an icy wind blows as black clouds consume the sky*
“Bob from work”
*clouds recede*
I did vote once but only because I thought the line was to a buffet.
Me: it’s not illegal
Cop, staring at my trunk filled with creamy peanut butter: It’s just… SO. MUCH.
Me: but it’s not illegal
Cop: no, no it’s not
astronaut: houston come in
houston: this had better be important
astronaut: it’s urgent
houston: fine what
astronaut: [drinking soda out of the air] rootbeer float
Someone told me signing my emails with “Best” is passive aggressive so
I’m changing it to “See you in hell’ to eliminate any confusion!! 🤣😏
They should make fortune cookies with more obtainable fortunes:
You will vacuum the living room.
You will run into the coffee table.
My mom’s favorite internet game is “Log me into the Facebook. Is this the Facebook? Is that your brother? Why is he drinking upside down?”
Just cleaned my room 7 months ago and it’s dirty again.. this is bullshit
I cannot stop laughing. Bungalow.
Well played, super clean sliding glass door I thought I’d left open. Well played.
I like that the doctor always asks if I’m a smoker. When I say yes, he tells me I should quit.
No shit? Thanks. Here’s all my money.
When one door closes another one opens. … Or you could just re-open the closed door. Because that’s how doors work…!!
The first fireman to get called to rescue a cat in a tree must have had the hose wrestled from him before someone told him to get a ladder.