I want cake, to get cake I must get dressed, to get dressed I have to get out of bed, to get out of bed I need cake.
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[at a fire sale]
Me: one fire, please
Airport moving sidewalks are great for when you only want to feel like George Jetson for 10 seconds before you’re back to Fred Flintstone.
9yo: My best friend is going to be gone for 2 weeks on vacation. It’s going to be the worst.
Me: Well, it gives us the chance to hang out.
9yo: You’re making it worse.
Shirts that say SWAG and YOLO for sale at Walmart. Because dressing like an idiot should be affordable.
Our system is shit. I’m 24 and only have two years left on my moms health insurance. Then, I have to find a new mother
Safety first, so remember when you tell some people “go set the world on fire” you must be very clear that you are speaking metaphorically.
Them: you have such a youthful face! What’s your secret?
me: *plucking an auburn hair and burning it in the eternal flame while muttering incantations* oh I just wash it with water
An interesting development in the Kim <> Kanye saga
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
Some people throw pasta at the wall to see what sticks, while other people just learn how to cook pasta.
I’m not actively avoiding you. I don’t actively do anything.
Shipwreck diary, Day 32,567: So, turns out I’m immortal.
Whaaa? You taste brides? RT MatrooKiBijlee: Bridal tasting was a success! The only thing I regret is not taking pictures. But still….”
*primitive gungans defeat battle droids*
*Stone Age ewoks beat elite stormtroopers*
*improbable underdog story defeats logic and reason*
the most challenging thing I’ve done all week is explain to a 4 year old where he was in photos taken 7 years ago
I’m gonna start giving bad news to people in that cute, high pitched voice I use to talk to kids and dogs.
Thank you for clarifying that you’d bite me with your teeth, my mind was running wild with all the possible things you could bite me with.
It’s weird they report fantasy football during Sports Center. That’s like the local news telling us how your SimCity is doing.
Get in loser grandma lost at bingo and has gone after the priest.
Civil War only it’s half of your hair that is chill and the other half that wants to secede from your head.
ME: You’re saying I’m not smart enough for this job?
BOSS: Well, yes.
ME: [points to computer] Just because I can’t use the typewriter TV?
We have 3 bathrooms at our new home, the master, the kid’s, and the spider bathroom, so we have 2 bathrooms.
I’m old enough to remember when Oreos came in one flavor: “Oreo.”
“30 shots of espresso NOW.”
*barista’s eyes widen*
Whoa what do you do for a living?
“I STAY AWAKE FOR A LIVING!”
*roundhouse kicks barista*
My wife hasn’t touched me since the election. She took Gore’s loss pretty hard.
Most kids have a stuffed animal or blankie. My niece has one of those plastic owls u put outside to scare away birds
Him: Parent-teacher night is next week.
Me: Will there be snacks?
Him: Does it really matter?
Me:
Him: *sighs* Yes.
Me: Okay. I’m in.
Stamps be like “lick me and put me in the corner”
got asked to be a godparent proving god has lowered her recruitment standards
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.