Me: *getting off the couch*
I’ll be right back.Dog: I would really feel more comfortable if we went together.
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10’s homework question: “Which appliance in your home do you think is the most useful?”
His answer: “My mom.”
“can you explain this gap in your resume?” oh, yeah, that’s when i was trapped inside of a supernatural jungle-based board game
if you have a weird name and appear in movie’s closing credits, i will find you and i will say you
Based on how I startle when toast pops up, I will never look cool walking away from an explosion.
Not enough drugs in the world that would make me strip in front of a webcam. But a bottle of wine should do it.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who just said “seriously?” after a comment you made during an argument.
I just found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mother’s room. I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero!
Maybe mama duck isn’t leading her babies, maybe she’s trying to outrun them.
If I were gonna give advice about how to survive leaving your phone at home, it would be this: stare at something else. I chose a weird baby
-You’re gonna love our date at that place where treasures may be hidden
-Wait..will it be romantic?
-..
-I told you 100 times, you can’t trick me into going to the garbage dump again
Incense sticks are just disappointing sparklers.
DR DOG: *applying a cast to a broken bone* Are you sure you don’t just want me to cut it off?
[at the opera]
Date: this is going on forever
Me: oh, they can’t stop until I sing
Before you storm out of a room, make sure you take your phone.
The worst part of eating dessert is when it’s interrupted by the nagging thought that it’s not healthy for you. So I eat really fast and beat the thought completely.
God: let there be light!
vampires: wtf dude we were invincible til now
I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.
You can learn a lot about a guy when you go through the pockets of his pants that are at his ankles in the bathroom stall next to your’s.
Cop: License and registration, please.
Me: Sure, can you hold my beer?
Me at home: I want peace on earth and good will to men.
Me while grocery shopping: If one more idiot blocks the aisle, I’m going to run them over with my cart like grandma getting run over by a reindeer.
No, I didn’t get the flu shot. I just make sure to avoid people from October into April.
Sorry, but your kids don’t look adorable when they lose their teeth, they look like tiny homeless people.
Turns out my cat has been saying “meow” not “mayo”.
Anyone need eight gallons of Hellman’s?
Before I got married people told me how hard the first few years are but not ONE person prepared me for him saying “I love you, no I love you more” over and over again to the dog every day when he leaves for work.
Some days I want to leave everything and just run away with him. Other days I want to own 3 baby dragons and be fireproof and naked.
Slot twist: That USB drive goes in the other way. Turn it over
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.
My cardio is just me following my kids from room to room and turning off the lights.
Well well well…
My inflatable house got a puncture
last night.Now I’m living in a flat.