@ValeeGrrl: 6yo lured girls to our beach umbrella by shaking a bag of Cheetos at them & it worked so guys, feel free to steal his fool-proof method.
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@mc_funbags: So you've had white presidents, a black president and now an orange one. I'm crossing my fingers for the Hulk next time around.
@QwertyJones3: [gynecologist making small talk during an exam] DOCTOR: So you're in the military? HER: Yes DOCTOR: Well thank you for your cervix
@BlondAmbitionTO: Why do people leave mattresses on the side of the road? Do they really think someone will take it? Do you think I should wash it first?