6yo: Newton discovered gravy
Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.
6yo: what’s that?
Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space
6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy
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One of my “100 things to do before you die” would definitely be “call an ambulance”.
some lady dressed as catwoman is walking around our halloween party just knocking drinks off tables
At night
Me: wow I finally found the best sleeping position!
My body: we need to pee.
[calls up friend]
Remember when you said I wouldn’t ever make it on TV? Well turn on the news!
“Okay, but why are you calling from jail?”
Guys, I’ve never watched Succession or Ted Lasso. It’s like I’m some uncontacted tribe in the middle of nowhere
{after 1st date}
Her: *texts* I left my keys in your car. Locked out. It’s freezing.Me: *waits 3 days to reply so I don’t look desperate
[Trying to impress a girl on a date]
Me: “Not to brag but I’m getting Windows 10 for free.”
me: looks like santa came early
santa: this never happens, youre just so hot
I wish I had the confidence of my son who just ate 3 sushi rolls before his 2 hour baseball practice.
There seems to be a direct correlation between how many rosaries you have hanging on your rearview and how shitty a driver you are.
If they don’t teach the periodic table during it then they shouldn’t call it elementary school.
I just hope the crabs and the adderall aren’t in the same place
Son: I have to bring a giraffe to school tomorrow
Hub: *types in zoo coordinates & grabs keys*
Me: He means a graph
Hub: I GOT THIS HONEY
A new study says vegetarians
die younger than smokers, on average, so don’t smoke your vegetables…
From what I can piece together, this Pitbull character enjoys “partying”
depression: you’re not good enough
anxiety: everything is falling apart
Quora: what if a grape hit u while traveling at the speed of sound
Therapist: You saw the red flags though. right?
Me: I thought it was a carnival
My biology teacher asked what the function of carbohydrates were, but apparently “filling the deep well of sadness inside of me” was incorrect.
ME: *slamming desk with fist* You’ll put this up over my dead body!
FUNERAL DIRECTOR: It’s a lovely headstone.
ME: It really is.
Pro tip: never take a laxative and a sleeping pill at the same time.
Lady at the farmers market selling us a hay bale to decorate our yard: just so you know, it’s going to get your car really messy
My 3yo: That’s ok because our car is already really messy
don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning crab linguine
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t reference any other achievements?
What did people do with pineapple before pizza was invented?
If sex with 3 people is a threesome and sex with 2 people is a twosome, now I understand why they call you handsome.
why was 6 mad when 7 won her a stuffed elephant? because 7 1 1 4 9 2
I’m giving up ice.
[at my funeral]
So young, how did he die?
He ran into oncoming traffic after walking past a group of adults saying the word “bae”
Pringle’s: Once you pop, the fun don’t stop!
Me: *covered in Pringle’s shards and grease, surrounded by empty tubes* It’s true I’m having the time of my life
Me: Something is fishy here
Red herring: *acts very casual