6yo Son: Dad, why’d you spray cologne down there when you got outta the shower?
Me: How’s ice cream for dinner sound?
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4 was mean to his brother so I read him a story about an unkind crab who becomes stuck in a trap. 4 asked, “Did this happen because the crab was mean?”
Sensing a good opportunity, I shut the book and said, “Yes. And they ate him. The end.”
Sleep well tonight, kid.
MY KID: I’m ready to go I just need to get my shoes on
ME: *visibly ages*
Her: I thought you said you were ordering spicy food.
Me, choking on 14 churros: CINNAMON’S A SPICE
Why is it when the sun blacks out on a Monday afternoon it’s an “amazing natural phenomenon” but when I do it’s a “problem”
It’s a serious Lego project when the 1st thing my 5yo does is take off his shirt and gets me a beer from the fridge.
*First day as a forest ranger*
Me: *using radio* I found a badly mangled buck out here
Boss: That means there’s a bear nearby
Me: Yep *narrows eyes* and it hates money
If you’re going to gift a child a craft kit then you also have to do the craft with them. It’s the law.
Doctors HATE this weight loss secret! (Photo of a woodchipper)
Sorry I was late. I was trying to explain to my son how an octopus has 8 legs but not 8 feet.
me: [sits bolt upright in bed]
usain: stop doing that
I’m at my sexiest when I choke on rice and a piece gets lodged at the back of my nose and I’m snorting and sniffing and blowing to try and dislodge it.
Got kicked out of the karaoke bar last night for getting 3 women pregnant when I sang Careless Whisper.
Be the reason someone prefers the company of animals.
*romantically sprinkles a rose pedal path to the dirty dishes
As we were driving passed a prison on vacation my 12 year old nephew lamented, “aww, I’ve never gotten to see the inside of a real jail.” I deadpanned, “It’ll happen, Sean, just give it a few years.” Y’all, my 7 year old erupted in laughter and explained the insult & I’m just 😭
Q: My daughter will not eat fish, what can I replace it with?
A: A cat. Cats love fish.
A body like this doesn’t just happen, I say to myself as I pause the workout video to take blueberry crumble muffins out of the oven.
“40 is the new 30!” My dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Banned from driving.
No
one
yums like Gaston
Eats iced plums like Gaston
Knows you saved them but craves them, succumbs like Gaston
The IRS needs special envelopes for when you’re not in trouble
Jellyfish have survived here on Earth for 650 million years without brains. Great news for stupid people.
Sounds like a bargain
Warning to ppl who drink & drive, yday while driving, frnd took his arm out to indicate right turn & someone took his beer.
Rascals! #txt
83% of white folks stressing about their court dates are referring to tennis.
Get your hero name by doing something brave and seeing what the newspapers call you.
I’m Local Man.
Clean tweeting is liberating. You don’t need profanity to make a point. Look:
Tell her she has beautiful eyes. Female dogs love that poopy.
Goodnight moon.
Goodnight room.
Goodnight sanctimonious people arguing on the internet
Being fluent in Spanish is all fun and games until you’re put in a professional setting and all you know is Spanish del rancho
Be kind. Everyone is going through something. Heartache. Financial stress. Their bananas ripened too quickly. Having the song from the Jardiance commercial stuck in their head because it’s aired 5 million times a day.
We all have our battles to fight.