If the future is now, then how come the pizza I’m gonna order later isn’t here yet?
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When I go shopping I like to buy condoms and cat food at the same time just to confuse the cashier.
Im not trying to brag or anything, but I just got invited to play Candy Crush on FB
[ Dracula opens freezer ]
Her: What are you doing with my tampons?
Dracula: Making popsicles
the hardest part about boxing is not falling in love with your opponent when he hugs you
Onion rings.
What sounds do other vegetables make?
ME: *puts on sunglasses*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: *slaps them off my face* glasses made of the sun would instantaneously melt your head
[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well…u know that shop where u saw that ring you love
W: OMG YES
M: I’m catching Pokemon near there
A: Black coffee, no cream please.
B: Sadly, we don’t offer cream, sir. May I suggest no milk instead?
“These fries are too crispy” – inventor of the microwave
friend: vending machines kill more people per year than sharks
me, swimming in the ocean and a vending machine is coming right at me: oh no
English is crazy we’ve got silent g’s, p’s, h’s, mimes, c’s… where does the madness stop?
Border Patrol never did chase down that illegal baby food smuggler from Mexico. I heard he was so fast they nicknamed him Formula Juan.
No, you can’t have candy for breakfast. Don’t be silly. Now be quiet and let me finish my peppermint mocha frappuccino.
The road to enlightenment always leads through the valley of morons.
I have this odd feeling that I’m going to be that crazy old lady that yells at everyone to get off the lawn.
From my apartment balcony.
My local coffee shop has one of those “No WiFi, pretend it’s the old days” signs so I robbed them and made them promise not to use DNA evidence to convict me.
Interviewer: “Are you good at making snap decisions?”
*20 minutes later*
Me: “No.”
Every time I buy a fun new mug my mother yells “We have too many mugs!” & I yell “You suck the joy out of everything!” & she yells “Don’t say ‘suck’!” & I yell “I’m a grown woman!” & she yells “Then are you finally moving out of my house”
My son got his soccer ball stuck in our tree so I remedied the situation by getting 3 of my husband’s shoes stuck in the tree instead…
Teamwork makes the dreamwork
Whale: Hey did you hear I have a new girlfriend? She’s aaall over me it’s crazy.
Eel: For the last time barnacles don’t count as girlfriends
Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.
There’s really no good explanation when a friend sees a ruler sitting on the end table next to your bed.
[Writing Batman theme]
WRITER: So it starts by saying “Batman.”
PRODUCER: Well that makes sense, just once?
WRITER: 23 times.
PRODUCER:
WRITER: Then you just make noise for awhile.
PRODUCER:
WRITER
PRODUCER:
WRITER: Then you say Batman again.
If I yell loud enough I can turn this whole game around.
– dads at kids’ basketball games
I’m new to running outside and still learning the benefits, like for example when it rains you don’t have to do it.
Wife: I want a divorce
Husband: But you made a vow in the church that we remain together till death do us part.
Wife: then drink the tea I made for you
Her: You smell like alcohol.
Me: awww, you smell lovely too.
exclusively asking for swords for Christmas and if I get even one everyone who didn’t get me one better watch out
I trained my dog to shake for a treat and now he works the room like the groom at his reception.